askdrarlene.com
love, intimacy, sex, relationship
It was everything you ever thought you needed, your best friend and confidant, romantic and lovely, he/she was your everything all wrapped into one PERFECT package. When you kissed the world seemed to stop and you'd swear that you were the only two people in exhistence that had ever felt this sweet ecstasy.
By now you know I am just telling stories, there is fiction in the space between that notion of the perfect you and me. Sometimes things just don't work out. The breakup is as simple as that, it all ended in less than 5 minutes of harsh words and disappointment. You know it's the best thing for both of you, but it hurts deep and hard.
Did it really have to end, did he/she disappoint? You couldn't find the words to say I love you, spinning in the cloud of whether to go or stay, you end it.
_________________________
It is at this point of no return that is so important to explore and define your state of survival and well-being. This involves forgiveness and a willingness to accept that there were two parties involved here, so obviously you played a large part in the dynamics of the breakup. Many times we want to villainize our ex, they broke our hearts so of course they were the guilty ones and we were just the innocent victims! NOT!
Excuse me please, but most likely you had an idea before you got into the relationship of what to expect and who or what you were encountering. We know within a few minutes of meeting someone usually whether or not there is chemistry (which by the way can get you into trouble if that is all there really is to the relationship) and by the time you've had a few dates, you get a sense of who your partner is.
There is a great saying that says it all; "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."
We are often blinded by lust and chemistry, wanting to fit that special someone into the mold that you want them to be.
Your prince or princess has finally shown up at your door, yet if you're not careful, that pedestal you've put them on may come crashing down! So then how to know someone when you're really nothing less than strangers when you first start out on the path of a new relationship. You shared special moments and words that only lovers speak, so how can it be that the tables turned on the spin of dime and you're suddenly standing there alone?
Well, although disappointing at best when things don't work out, without risk, one can never truly encounter a great love. Nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. They say that one must risk in order to gain.
Stated most eloquently-
The unexplored life is not worth living - Sǒcratēs; circa 470–399 BC.
So pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I know the heartache feels like it will never end, but you will survive this. You must remember that breaking up is a process. You may feel pain and anger in the beginning. Once you have passed through this level of energy, it is important to focus on forgiveness in order to move on. Also, no relationship is usually ever without some merit. I'm sure you each added something to the relationship during the time you spent together. Ultimately something learned, something gained, something given and received from each party.
Its been a long hot summer, maybe next year will be better than the last. Its one more day that you may live to the fullest.
May you live everday of your life- jonathon swift
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Almost Drowning In This Sea: How To Survive Falling Out Of Love
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The "Sex" Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship
askdrarlene.com
sex, relationship, marriage
In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in "Real Love." The jury is still out on that one and I'm waiting a bit to read the emails I've been getting on the subject. I'll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as "true love."
In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I'm sure I've spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term "relationship." However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.
The "Sex" of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the "it" of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.
Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.
The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.
In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES...I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist... there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist...there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.
If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!
What are you waiting for? Isn't it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.
Take time to stop and smell the roses...life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don't let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.
Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don't believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows...love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you'll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Have You Ever Been In Love?
askdrarlene.com
Love, Relationship, Intimacy
Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!
SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can't be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!
So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?
The one that you've created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you've never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom's apple pie and dad's aftershave when you were 6 years old.
Its a bird, its a plane, NO....or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman's ability to fly?
You tell me. I'd love to hear from my readers first. Then I'd love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that "REAL LOVE" does indeed exist!!
Looking forward to hearing your comments.
Dr. Arlene
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The No. 1 Issue of No Sex In Your Relationship: Is Anyone Out There Having Sex?
AskDrArlene.com
sex,relationship,desire
Madonna's got it right when she sings,
"Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes."
There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?
In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn't specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.
The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.
Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.
Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be "fleshed out" a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.
Before you're singing the song...you're already gone, I'm lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.
Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.
The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?
As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Is Your Rabbit Green? A Safe Sex-Toy Guide
So then, what of this current awareness of toxic sex toys? Well, it seems that many popular erotic toys are made of polyvinyl chlorides (PVC) , plastics long decried by eco-activists for the toxins released during their manufacture and disposal. These plastics are softened with phythalates, a controversial family of chemicals. These include the inviting soft "jelly" or "cyberskin" sex toy items that have become so popular in the last few decades.
Although the earlier models, such as the infamous "Rabbit" were made with PVC plastics, it was difficult for many of the larger stores to carry plenty of items and yet avoid PVC. It was ultimately cheaper and the educated consumer had yet to reach the awareness plateau that exists today of green products, ie. soaps, detergents, linens, sheets, foods, and yes, sex toys!
Most have tried a sex toy once or twice. That great smell of your brand new plastic toy is basically the new toy "off-gassing", meaning it's releasing VOC's into the environment. The problem with VOCs? Organic compounds are the basis of all living things and contain carbon as their principal element. VOCs, in contrast, are chemical compounds that vaporize at room temperature.
They are suspected carcinogens, meaning that they can cause cancer when you breath them in. So consider what damage you can be doing when you put these "safe" plastic sex toys in your "vajayjay"... as Oprah would say!
Even scarier, sex toys are unregulated, meaning that there are no guidelines for manufacturing, no requirements to disclose what materials are involved in manufacturing and no regulatory body that governs what plastics and chemicals are used.
With all the recent press highlighting the indiscretions and backstabbing policies of Big Business and the banking world, do you really expect your sex toy company to be a bunch of angels?
This all means that you must become an educated consumer. This includes investigating, reading, and knowing what you put on or in your body, from food to sex toys!
Also, an important note. We all need to push for regulatory action on the hazardous chemicals in all consumer products. A funny thing, these chemicals like phythalates, which were recently banned by the government in the children's toys , are yet still a problem in our adult toys.
Finally, after much research, we were able to find several 100% organic products with five star ratings such as The Rosebud and The Rabbit Habit (not to be confused with The Rabbit). We found a store with an excellent selection of these and other toys and adult novelty products called Eden Fantasies.
Simply click on the banner on the upper-right hand side of this blog. At checkout enter coupon code "SAVE10" for a 10% discount. This is a very trusted firm.
Dr. Krieger, PhD is known as America's 2nd Favorite Sexologist and runs a
thriving practice in Boca Raton, Fl. She offers phone therapy worldwide as well.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The No.1 Way to Know If I Should Stay in this Relationship?
askdrarlene.com
relationship, sex, intimacy, love
This is again, one of the No. 1 questions that patients want to know in Sex therapy sessions. Of all of the issues of love, lust, libido, relationship, sex and intimacy in relationship...most everyone at one time or another asks this question.
My response is, that with faith, love and hope, anything worth fighting for can be fixed!
I always ask my patients to think back to what it was that attracted them to each other to begin with. In other words, what little nuances like, the way the other person smiled, or was easy to be with...or perhaps was kind to animals and strangers, or always offering to help out those in need.
These types of personal and behavioral characteristics are what makes up the charm or charisma that you were most likely first drawn to upon the first encounters with your partner.
Once into the grit and grind of daily life however, it is all too easy for us to lose site of what it was and is that we adored most about our lovers.
So to the question of how to know if this is for real? Whether you're dating, living together, or married for just several years or 50...the key to knowing if you're in the right place is simple.
No. 1 - Do you respect the person you are sitting across from at the dinner table, or sleeping next to in bed at night?
It is crucial that you think this one over for awhile, before you jump in to answer. If you have had a recent argument or don't like the color your wife has painted the house, thats a disagreement, not a life determining factor that should make or break the relationship.
We all fight, in fact, it is those couples that "don't fight" that truly worry me. Fighting fairly is a way of communicating and is healthy as long as certain rules are followed. This means no bringing up the other persons past, no back stabbing or name calling, nor undermining the other person. To fight fairly can be learned, these skills are available and should be utilized in order to prevent harm that can sometimes not be repaired.
Words spoken in anger can cut as sharp as any knife and wound your loved one to the core. For some, they can easily forget and forgive, for others...those words hastily spewed will resonate in their minds forever, ultimately killing the love and respect in the relationship.
If you as a couple, can find your way back to one another, by way of healthy communication, consideration for the others feelings, by allowing your partner to speak their truth, without fear of retaliation... or judgment, then you've taken the first steps to re-connecting with your partner.
Hopefully, you will find the love, respect, and devotion that was first there in your relationship.
These attributes are not something to be taken for granted. They must be nurtured, implemented and planted in your relationship on a daily basis, just as you would care for a delicate orchid.
The heart has a mind of its own, yet knows when it truly loves and receives love back. Being truthful about these delicate matters is not always a painless experience. However, moving forward and building on your love is the only way to grow a beautiful and thriving relationship.
In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene
