askdrarlene.com
sex, relationship, marriage
In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in "Real Love." The jury is still out on that one and I'm waiting a bit to read the emails I've been getting on the subject. I'll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as "true love."
In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I'm sure I've spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term "relationship." However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.
The "Sex" of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the "it" of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.
Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.
The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.
In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES...I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist... there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist...there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.
If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!
What are you waiting for? Isn't it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.
Take time to stop and smell the roses...life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don't let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.
Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don't believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows...love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you'll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.
26 comments:
Great article. Appears all new love is a risk. But definitely a risk worth taking. At 49, and two marriages later, I have learned my lessons. Forgive the little stuff; don't sweat the little stuff; learn to compromise, and communicate about the big stuff, and if love is still there, never ever let it go. I can't think of a greater gift than real love. It is so rare these days. You definitely tell it like it is.
Cynthia
ps: my first 2 were lookers with $$. They showed no respect, almost felt like I was invisible; everything and everyone else came first. Now in love with a small businessman, with a dear heart, who loves me and is considerate of others. He can do some "out there" things, and I am sure he sees me similarly, but love and caring is there, for sure. So much so its almost a tangible. I will never marry for the wrong reasons again. The generation before me was dead wrong. Marry for love or don't put oneself through that kind of prison again. Thanks again for telling it like it is.
CM
You got dat right doc. Not sure if I am saying what you meant, but in my own life, there is truly love. It doesn't come all neatly packaged like in the fairy tales of our youth. Our prince may have some flaws (mine does), but he's my man. He loves me and I love him. He's no movie star but dam good looking to me. He is not Donald Trump, but who needs an a$$ like that? I think love does exist and it grows if you put a little water and fertilizer on it.
Best wishes,
Alison
Decatur, Il
Doc A,
Great story. I say love exists. Gotta go through a lotta misery to find it though. It is out there; and you can feel it when it happens. Good descriptives and blog. Will be back.
Peter
N.C.
great blog here..but, I don't believe in love. used too.
I am a decent hard working man who has a lot to give to a good woman. Today's women are snakes...all about wealth, looks, and snobbery. I am none of the above (and glad of it, given the behavior attached to that crap), but I am responsible and caring, and loving.
But I will settle for my cat. She doesn't try to pull the rug from under my feet.
Andrew
NYC
Dear Dr. K,
Hubby and I have been together for
twelve years this August. I love him and he loves me. We find ourselves fighting over silly things. Differences. I told him we are going to have those; not always going to agree on everything, but we do on most things. He seems to have a "male ego" which takes that as "I don't love him" or am "against him". I am not. I just speak out when I am not happy about some behavior, and ask him to please consider my feelings. He sometimes does. In the bedroom is a different story. We have good sex, but there are things I want that he will not do. I like oral sex, not always, but sometimes. I will ask him for it, but he thinks it is dirty. I don't. It gives me pleasure. Not sure how to handle that one. Any ideas?
Margo
Bethesda, Md
Glad to have found your blog dr. Kreiger. My husband cannot seem to have sex with me unless he is drunk. He can barely get it up, of course. He says he has some kind of hangups and goes to therapy but I don't see any improvement. I do not want a drunk man in my bed. ideas Please?
Alone but Not Alone in Miami, Fla
Dear Dr. Krieger,
I am what you might call a "ladies man". I feel certain there is arrogance to that, but it is what it is. I am very good looking, women can't take their eyes off of me, I am rich, people know it, and I can have my choice. To top it off, I am single. If you are a real sexologist, you know a man like me feels like he's in a candy store. I may settle down with a woman (even got married once) but
can't keep a good man down so to speak. Some people tell me I am not going to be happy until I settle down. Why should I settle down? To be honest, I haven't found a woman worth settling down with. And when I do, I don't think I will. Does this make me an ass? Many women says it does. So what?
I have fun. Any problems?
Erik
Sacramento, Ca
Dr. Krieger,
Could you please write a story on the basics of a good relationship? I thought I was in one and then my
boyfriend revealed I was not. I am stumped. Seems more like a science now than an act of love.
Yours,
Felicia
Edison, N.J.
Dear Dr. Krieger,
I was in a relationship for
5 years. My "boyfriend" turned out to be a coward. He did not love me; used me for what he could get out of me, didn't have the courage to tell me it was over, never did a thing for ME, I was always doing for HIM, and he was already seeing someone else when I felt it was time to end it. How could someone be such a coward? He called it "just moving on"; but when you move on after sharing your core soul with someone, doesn't one have to have a little humanity to share such an important thing? (I learned it from a mutual friend). What trash. I cannot believe I would fall for such trash. Oh, he was rich, and seductive. So I fell. Live and learn?
Sharon in Erie, PA
I don't "do" relationships anymore. The work is to hard.
Wish it weren't that way. Hate to sound cynical.
Sam
Brisbane, Au
I do believe in love. Have a great wife for 44.2 years!! She sure does nag at me and has for a long while, but she has good reason too....she must be a saint as she's put up with me this long. She is the best woman on earth. Wouldn't leave her for anything. Great blog.
Ellis S.
Knoxville, Tn
Dr. Arlene,
I'm a female attorney married to a male attorney in a small midwest town. We both know how to fight, and tend to debate a lot; when we were first married that was a turn on for both of us. We loved the stimulation of the debates. I am older now, and have mellowed, and do not enjoy the "debates", which now often become fights. He does. I want to try another, more spiritual path. He wants everything to be like it was, and I don't think the way it was was very healthy for us. He is on edge a lot and always on the attack. Strange thing, he has a good many positive qualities that are kind and gentle. I am confused.
Sally N. Va.
Dear Dcotor Krieger,
I'm a woman with a new boyfriend. Neither of us has had sex in 3 or 4 years. We want to but wondering if is okay not to use prophilactics.
Sincerely,
Madlyn
Georgia
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I want my old boyfriend back; there was a time when I could get him back; I let him go, actually pushed him away, but he was good to me. Now I'm swimming with the sharks. There aren't others out there like him. I don't want to be alone and I am 47. Advnce please?
Sue
Chicago
My husband wants to end our three year marriage for another woman. Of course I have no choice but to let him. I think therapy could have solved this whole problem, but he just wanted out and shut me down? Is that it? No other chance?
Billie
Branson, Mo
Dear Dr Arlene,
Why do men like to masturbate to porn? My husband does it and tells me all men do it. I feel like it is cheating in a way. I mean, he's got a good woman here, put her to use?..is the type of feeling I have about it.
Feeling hurt in Tx
Dear Dr Krieger,
I very much admire your writing style. Have you written any books or are you planning any?
Charlotte
Hamilton, Bermuda Islands
Dr. K, Enjoying your blog. Am male 36 in Kentucky. Always dated women, but had a feeling for men.
Have never been with a man, but am curious about it. Does this make me 'bi' or does it even matter?
Sincerely,
JK
Louisville, KY
I love your blog. A question from Vancouver Island, Ca. I want my ex back. I left him over trivial stuff and have been back in the dating game for a few months. He was good to me. I projected things on him from relationships a lifetime ago, punished him, and now realize I was mistaken. I was also influenced by my family (he was not a millionaire), but I've been dating several very wealthy men and don't need that kind of "love"; it feels more like slavery. I listend to friends. I lost out. I had love and let it go. I have been finding articles on the Internet, but they seem manipulative on "how to win him back". I just want to call him and ask him to give me another chance. I am too scared of the rejection after what I put him through. I guess this happens a lot, but as I said, I was too immature to know I had a diamond in the rough. I think I blew it.
Sad in Vancouver
Nice to meet you. I am a masters learner in Counseling Psychology and would like to correspond with you to get more insight in the area of sexology.
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am a 22 year old virgin and guys don't seem to like me (as much) until i tell them this. Not all guys, but many of them I'm interested in. I want to take things a bit slow but when they find out I'm a virgin, they start talking marriage and such. Want to finish school. What do I do?
Ellen
Seattle, WA
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I think love is a combination of a lot of things, including fantasy. As different as men and women can be, it takes a fertile imagination for us to want to be together, in spite of our differences. I believe it takes a great deal of imagination and tolerance of those differences to make it work. When onely one person is being creative and working in a relationship, no matter how much love there is, it is not going to work. If both people are equally commited, and can overlook the others differences or be instructive, with love of pointing them out, it seems to work. I have learned this lesson over four decades on the planet. I like your blog.
Best wishes,
Bill San Jose, Ca
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Where are the real men? Probably this sounds cynical. I can't find them. Can find rich ones and hunks everywhere in town, but where are the old fashioned decent ones who really know the meaning of love? I
feel like giving up.
Laura
Orlando, Fl
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Super blog!!!!
Perhaps I am sounding nasty, but have to respond to the last post regarding where are all the good men? I have to ask the same question? But where are all the good women????
In my forty five years, I can maybe think of one happy relationship I was in. When I think back to it, the woman was a simple artist. Not wealthy, no pretetions, just who she was, and lvoed me deeply.
I should have stayed with her, but of course the years go by, and I lost my chances.
I have worked hard and am now a wealthy batchelor in my city. I am sought out by many women for, of course, a lot ofthe wrong reasons.
I really have to question, is love gone? Because like so many of my
comrades, in this shaky economy, I could be broke tomorrow; and in the end, it is really all about love...today, both parties, the male and female can work and make their own money.
I can't perceive why anyone, these days, would marry for money, in these insane times when it can be here today, gone tomorrow. I may be older now, but I am holding out for real love. Might go to my grave holding out, but I'd rather go it alone than someone who did not love me back, the way I know how to love.
Craig
Weirded out in Omaha
Hi Dr. Arlene K.,
I like your blog very much.
I believe in love, as I'm in it.
My husband and I have been married for 52 years. You can imagine we have had our brawls, but in the end, I know he is the one there for me, my friend, my lover. Wouldn't trade him for the world.
Betty Sue Lambert (And Bill)
Wiggins, Ms
Dear Dr. Krieger,
My husband loves me, I know that. Throught ups and downs, our marriage has lasted 27 years. Sex is still very good, of course not like the honeymoon days, but in a deeper more satisfying trusting way. We had to work out a lot of things (within the marriage) before it went to that next level.
My question is that he is not
large anatomically. To me, this doesn't matter, but he feels sometimes he may not be satisfying me, and worries, because I often
stroke my clitoris during intercourse, as that is where the pleasure seems to come from. I showed him this on the Internet, but he still seems to think it is because he is not "big" that I enjoy sex that way. Can women actually have an orgasm without
such stimulation? Size really doesn' t matter much at all to me (sure it would be great if it were bigger as I could feel more friction, (I guess) inside, but that is not his fault. I love the man as he is.
Helga, Black Forrest, Germany
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