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relationship, sex, intimacy, love
This is again, one of the No. 1 questions that patients want to know in Sex therapy sessions. Of all of the issues of love, lust, libido, relationship, sex and intimacy in relationship...most everyone at one time or another asks this question.
My response is, that with faith, love and hope, anything worth fighting for can be fixed!
I always ask my patients to think back to what it was that attracted them to each other to begin with. In other words, what little nuances like, the way the other person smiled, or was easy to be with...or perhaps was kind to animals and strangers, or always offering to help out those in need.
These types of personal and behavioral characteristics are what makes up the charm or charisma that you were most likely first drawn to upon the first encounters with your partner.
Once into the grit and grind of daily life however, it is all too easy for us to lose site of what it was and is that we adored most about our lovers.
So to the question of how to know if this is for real? Whether you're dating, living together, or married for just several years or 50...the key to knowing if you're in the right place is simple.
No. 1 - Do you respect the person you are sitting across from at the dinner table, or sleeping next to in bed at night?
It is crucial that you think this one over for awhile, before you jump in to answer. If you have had a recent argument or don't like the color your wife has painted the house, thats a disagreement, not a life determining factor that should make or break the relationship.
We all fight, in fact, it is those couples that "don't fight" that truly worry me. Fighting fairly is a way of communicating and is healthy as long as certain rules are followed. This means no bringing up the other persons past, no back stabbing or name calling, nor undermining the other person. To fight fairly can be learned, these skills are available and should be utilized in order to prevent harm that can sometimes not be repaired.
Words spoken in anger can cut as sharp as any knife and wound your loved one to the core. For some, they can easily forget and forgive, for others...those words hastily spewed will resonate in their minds forever, ultimately killing the love and respect in the relationship.
If you as a couple, can find your way back to one another, by way of healthy communication, consideration for the others feelings, by allowing your partner to speak their truth, without fear of retaliation... or judgment, then you've taken the first steps to re-connecting with your partner.
Hopefully, you will find the love, respect, and devotion that was first there in your relationship.
These attributes are not something to be taken for granted. They must be nurtured, implemented and planted in your relationship on a daily basis, just as you would care for a delicate orchid.
The heart has a mind of its own, yet knows when it truly loves and receives love back. Being truthful about these delicate matters is not always a painless experience. However, moving forward and building on your love is the only way to grow a beautiful and thriving relationship.
In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The No.1 Way to Know If I Should Stay in this Relationship?
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6 comments:
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Happy to have found your blog. Been married for 27 years, wife and I both happy. We have our differences but the love overrides all that. Problem is our son, age 24 is finishing law school. He wants to marry the young girl he met as a freshman. We cannot make decisions for him, but she has not lifted a finger to help him, he worked his way through law school, and, my wife and I loaned him money. She seems to want to be married to a lawyer (or doctor) or someone with status. We have seen no affection from her towards him and he does not mention her when she is not around, except that "she can be aggravating" and "spends all his money". My fear is that it doesn't get better without help. How does one not butt in, yet, let him know maybe therapy might help both of them. They do not communicate, yet I have never seen them fight. It's like they coexist.
(they've lived together for 3 years), have nothing in common, no common friends or interests. Let him learn the hard way? Or what?
Thanks. Wonderful blog (especially this passage)! My wife loved it as well.
Bob in Manilla PH. (formerly of San Jose, Ca)
In answer to your question about whether or not to "butt in" to your 24 year old son's relationship, the question is indeed multi-faceted.
You have stated that he is finishing law school, which takes focus and determiniation to endure the rigors of such an academic pursuit. This in turn tells me that this young man is goal oriented and follows his own path. However, it often turns out in "young college romance" that the couple will "go through with the deal" only to avoid a sense of failure in the relationship. In other words, the thought process can be something like, "we've been together so long, if I've spent all this time and energy on this person it must be right,....or I'm not giving up ...I can make this work." Unfortunately, we can't change another person. What you see is most often what you get..and a good idea of what the future may hold. If your son is already noticing that she "can be aggravating, and spends all his money" at this stage of the game...believe me it will not get better. Again, what you see is usually what you get. It is important that your son take a good long look at his motivation for getting married so young. If there is no "gun to his head" so to speak...why the rush? I would advise couples therapy for them if at all possible before jumping into a lifetime commitment.
I was actually looking for ways to spice up my relationship when I stumbled across this article. I may have found it too late, though. When someone hurts me, I try hard to hurt them worse. I am the type to remember something my fiance said before we were even together and throw it in his face, even when we aren't fighting. Because it hurt me and I still remember. Is there any advice you can give me with this matter?
In response to anonymous who wrote to ask about bringing up the past to hurt her boyfriend, I would suggest the 90/10 rule. This involves living in the present. Many people tend to fall back into the 90% of their past. If only you could understand that yesterday is gone forever, what good does it do to continue to fight unfairly by bringing up the past. Hopefully your boyfriend has heard your thoughts and opinions and is not repeating any of the same behaviors that may have been hurtful to you in the past. Thus, it is important for you to live in the "now"... and move forward in your relationship in a positive way. Leave the past where it belongs...in the past. Wishing you well...
Dear Dr. Arlene,
This is the advice I have been looking for. I thought our marriage was unfixable, but it is. Takes time and work and commitment from both parties. I found out, though, we both made errors, my husband had been a good faithful one and looked after me. I was so attached to my victim role, I could not see past it. Everything was "happening to me"; I could not see my own behaviors. Finally, a good therapist (after going through four of them); taught me some basics. We are happy again.
Took time, but it can happen in the worst of circumstances; at least in our case.
Theresa
Long Island, NY
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