askdrarlene.com
Love, Relationship, Intimacy
Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!
SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can't be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!
So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?
The one that you've created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you've never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom's apple pie and dad's aftershave when you were 6 years old.
Its a bird, its a plane, NO....or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman's ability to fly?
You tell me. I'd love to hear from my readers first. Then I'd love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that "REAL LOVE" does indeed exist!!
Looking forward to hearing your comments.
Dr. Arlene
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Have You Ever Been In Love?
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12 comments:
This is what I say. Who sets the rules on what is real and what is fantasy? You? Me? Some sex therapist in the sky? No thank you. If you feel it is real, that is, there is love and support going on outside the bedroom, and not just the bedroom, who is someone else to dictate that. Are both parties pitching in something? Doesn't both have to be financial. Maybe it is. Both are contributing to the better good of the "we" not just "I". When that happens, I don't care if it is love at first site or ten blind dates, it is real love. And I don't have to have a friend, relative, therapist, or anyone else to help me decide if it is love or not, maybe because it is not their business, and, I do trust what I feel. Botton line: I know love when I see/feel it. Nobody else can do that for me.
Sincerely,
Rebecca A. Allison
Annapolis, Md
I am a grown woman (45) and I don't need someone else, a friend, a therapist, a parent a sibling to tell me when I am in love or when I am not. I have a true love and have for 5 years. We FEEL love. It is real love. We learned that kind of love in kindergarten. It is just like that (with lovemaking now). We pitch in. We do chores. We run errands for each other. We cook for each other. We give massages when needed. We take CARE of each other. Doesn't require a lot of funding. Just common sense. We commit to each other and
ignore old baggage and any new that might try to creep in. Works like a charm.
Anna Salawski
Annapolis, Ms
Who in the world knows love, at least love for me, except me, and my mate. I learned about love in kindergarten. Yah, it is a bit more complex now, but not that much more. Now there is love and intimacy. But we learned how to care for each other in kindergartin, not to abandon each other when injured or sick. To be supportive. To be your best friends, best friend. And my lover of five years is my best friend, and he knows it. I am his. Sex is great, but it is great because of all the other interests we have in common that amount to chemistry. Otherwise, I doubt we would even be a couple. We don't need a therapist, a parent, a brother, sister or friend to tell us if it is fantasy or real. We know. And if someone reaches my age (mid 40's) and cannot figure it out, I dont think any amount of therapy or re-parenting can help.
Susan A.
Annapolis, Md
I like sex with my husband. Younger guys like me, I think they are cute, but I only look, don't touch. Hubby is the best. Other women out there like that? Married 22 years.
Beth in WV
Hi Dr. Arlene I am Angela from
Chester, a beautiful historic city here in jolly old England. Saw your article on the "B" (that's what we call our network, the BBC). My comment is really just to say that most love IS fantasy because it requires a lot of imagination to get past the quirks, the wierdnesses, and maybe different lifestyles of our partner. My husband of 3 years is the greatest most gentle understanding lover in the world. There are men richer, better looking, etc etc. but I know they won't care for me and be there for me like he will. I wouldn't trade him for George Clooney and Brad Pitt combined. Understanding, being nonjudgemental, and, re-evaluating my earlier judgements of him, some of his behaviors that might not gel with mine, all in all, this love is a real fantasy. Do we fight? You bet. But we love even better. I listened to my grandmother a long time ago and she was right. Sleep with a lot of men, until you find the one that is not only the best in bed, but you know without a doubt loves you by what he does or tries to do for you. She added, don't ever go for the richest, best looking, etc. Go for one you know will love you in and outside the bed and you've got paradise. Arguments? Yes, but also paradise. Paradise does not happen 24 hours a day. Granny had a point. Thanks for your terrific blog. Am sure others here in UK are glad to know you are here (but I think you are across the ocean). We'll be following you anyway.
Sincerely,
Angela,
Chester, England
Dr kreigr,
My girlfriend of five years is gorgeous. She is a good cook. She WAS good in bed. When I say good, I will say this. She has become a whiner and nagger. If she is not whining she is nagging. I do not cheat, I give her more attention than her own parents did, I do what she loves most in bed, and she nags. A man, at least this man, cannot hold an erection for long when all he hears in his head is the whining of the day. Sorry, but more whining and this man is moving to a nonwhiner.
Bill
Oklahoma City, Ok
Dear Doctor,
Saw your article on the BBC site. Glad to know you have this type of blog. The issues with my boyfriend are too many to list. He's a very good man, I am in Belfast, he in Dublin (Ireland). We want to get together more often. We have a great many challenges, but we plan to meet those challenges. He is a hard worker, a good and decent man, light drinker and never drunk when drinking (hard to find in this part of the world). I miss him terribly.
Can this work?
Sincerely,
Sinead Belfast, IE
Hello good doc,
Kev from Devonshire here. Saw you in the news. Like your blog. Been in a lot of relationships, good and bad. Nice to see a blog out there where I can sneak a peek once in awhile for some worldly wisdom. Thanks! Kev in the UK
love your articles and blog, doctor. my feeling is that it might be fantasy and it might be love. i met my soul-mate on the internet; on a dating site. at first it seemed like fantasy. then i got to know him. he is a lover, and i don't just mean sex. he knows how to love and care. maybe there are a lot out there like that, but to me, he is a rare man.
he has faults. and through seeing his faults i am learning mine. i love him deeply and nothing feels better, now, after all the games, to know someone out there could really love me for who i am and be supportive of me, protective, and loving. he is all that. it is early in the relationship. i can't explain love, as i'm not in your field, but i know it when i feel it. when he says it, he means it and he even shows it. not giving up on love. fantasies are a waste of time. just my 2cents worth on your opinions. thanks!
chloe
portland
Dear Dr. Krieger,
Saw you on Wordpress and nice to know you are giving advice. I have a question. I have a boyfriend, and, admittedly, we were attracted by lust, and never really got to know each other. He's a bit older but we are alike in many ways. But one. He does not think it is a big deal not to be loyal. I do. In fact, I value it most in a man. I wish I had gotten to know him more, as a friend, but it was too late by the time we were in bed (we met in a bar). I am still very attracted to him, but repulsed by his childish behavior; he is 43 for christsakes. We live in a world of disease and craziness and
even a prophylactic is not 100% effective (he does not even use one)!!. I want to break up, but finding it hard.
codependant in Wyoming
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am less than a month out of an abusive relationship and have met a new man who is a sweetheart. The problem is, I am still too emotional; as good as he is to me, and sometimes let go with both barrels, over little nothings. It confuses him, I guess, and I know hurts our chances of a deep relationship. We keep trying, but I still feel tender. This man is so healing for me, but I guess I fear all men, or maybe it is me I fear. Is this too soon? I don't believe all men are bad, in fact, this new one has proved it. I just don't know how to let him love me without my defenses still up. HELP!
Karen Scared In Kansas
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Thought I was in love once but it was merely a seduction. She took everything she could for me, gave me sex which she pretended to enjoy (she could win an Oscar for her "orgasms") then I found out through other friends of hers she had been playing a game with me. The minute she got the most she thought she could get out of me, she made my life unbearable, bitched non-stop, and accused me of countless idiot things, called me mentally unstable, etc. etc.
The relationship did not last long; it was long distance, she in Rhode Island I was in Boston, so getting over her was fairly easy, but everyone has a good side too and so did she. I think she wanted to be in love, but simply didn't know how. She professed love, and seemed to mean it, then would act in a totally opposite manner. It took friends and family to let me know I was actually being played (they had warned me before) but I just didn't listen. Glad I listened now!!! Why do women do that? I guess men do as well, but it really feels like the olden days of slavery. Of course she does not have to answer to me for what she did; she will her maker (of which she doesn't believe) but she'll see I guess. That is the way the universe operates. Her luck, when she is sent back, she'll be sent back as me and I as her.
Best,
Alan at Harvard
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