askdrarlene.com
love, intimacy, sex, relationship
It was everything you ever thought you needed, your best friend and confidant, romantic and lovely, he/she was your everything all wrapped into one PERFECT package. When you kissed the world seemed to stop and you'd swear that you were the only two people in exhistence that had ever felt this sweet ecstasy.
By now you know I am just telling stories, there is fiction in the space between that notion of the perfect you and me. Sometimes things just don't work out. The breakup is as simple as that, it all ended in less than 5 minutes of harsh words and disappointment. You know it's the best thing for both of you, but it hurts deep and hard.
Did it really have to end, did he/she disappoint? You couldn't find the words to say I love you, spinning in the cloud of whether to go or stay, you end it.
_________________________
It is at this point of no return that is so important to explore and define your state of survival and well-being. This involves forgiveness and a willingness to accept that there were two parties involved here, so obviously you played a large part in the dynamics of the breakup. Many times we want to villainize our ex, they broke our hearts so of course they were the guilty ones and we were just the innocent victims! NOT!
Excuse me please, but most likely you had an idea before you got into the relationship of what to expect and who or what you were encountering. We know within a few minutes of meeting someone usually whether or not there is chemistry (which by the way can get you into trouble if that is all there really is to the relationship) and by the time you've had a few dates, you get a sense of who your partner is.
There is a great saying that says it all; "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."
We are often blinded by lust and chemistry, wanting to fit that special someone into the mold that you want them to be.
Your prince or princess has finally shown up at your door, yet if you're not careful, that pedestal you've put them on may come crashing down! So then how to know someone when you're really nothing less than strangers when you first start out on the path of a new relationship. You shared special moments and words that only lovers speak, so how can it be that the tables turned on the spin of dime and you're suddenly standing there alone?
Well, although disappointing at best when things don't work out, without risk, one can never truly encounter a great love. Nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. They say that one must risk in order to gain.
Stated most eloquently-
The unexplored life is not worth living - Sǒcratēs; circa 470–399 BC.
So pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I know the heartache feels like it will never end, but you will survive this. You must remember that breaking up is a process. You may feel pain and anger in the beginning. Once you have passed through this level of energy, it is important to focus on forgiveness in order to move on. Also, no relationship is usually ever without some merit. I'm sure you each added something to the relationship during the time you spent together. Ultimately something learned, something gained, something given and received from each party.
Its been a long hot summer, maybe next year will be better than the last. Its one more day that you may live to the fullest.
May you live everday of your life- jonathon swift
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Almost Drowning In This Sea: How To Survive Falling Out Of Love
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31 comments:
Dear Dr. Krieger,
I have been following your blog for several months now and LOVE it. Today's entry is particularly good, though, I do not agree totally with it, and
from an earlier entry, you seem to
have an opposite opinion. My feeling tends to go with your
former story, that is, when love is there, it is worth fighting for. If it is over an fight that ends it in 5 minutes, something seems amiss. To me, (and I say this out of experience with my sometimes doofus husband who I haave been with for 28 years, if you have a fight, over something silly, sometimes it is best to bite the bullet, and simply say "I am sorry, I was wrong this time". That has worked magic, for me, and for him, for a long time. Early in our courtship as we were getting to know each other and still unsure, we did not show that kind of compassion (we were guarded as so many new lovers are). But I am glad I did not roll over and play dead (he wanted to leave me about two years into the relationship) and it was over some little issue, and I did not roll over. I fought him on it, reminded him he was special, and he is, but that I am special too, and it is too rare that too special people unite. We may still have fear, but that is no reason to crawl back under the covers (unless it is with me), and guess what. It worked. And am I ever lucky it did. He turned out to be the best mate I ever could imagine having. He loves me dearly, helps me (I am a small
business owner) and he keeps up with trends, technology, etc. (he has a very high IQ which scared me at first) but now I see his humane side, and I don't think I could survive without him. I am financially secure now, not from taking his monney, he only had a small bit, but allowing him to love me and share his life and experiences with me. Of course not every woman wants this (actually I think they do, they just won't admit it) and a lot of friends think I'm nuts, as he is not the best looking or richest, as they all seem to want these days, but he is a man I have been able to rely on for real advice, and I teach him things too, and he gives me credit for that, and he is a GREAT lover. It all started with "just chemistry"; really what else is there until both are known, and has blossomed into a
beautiful partnership. I thank God daily for not letting him "have his way" when he was adament about leaving me> He reads your blog too now, and he agrees. He said "I don't know what I was thinking. I was just thinking anger and dissapintment at the time. And see what happens when you hang in there with a good mate? The very best. Now my friends are a little
envious, I believe, even the few very wealthy ones I have, especially them, in that they know this many adores me and would take off his shirt and give it to me, and to be honest, I still loves when he takes off his shirt.
Namaste,
Cybil
San Antionio, Mx (suburb of Tijuana) on the wonderful Pacific
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I very much enjoy your writings!
Just discovered you on Google.
Was scrolling up skimming them all and got to this one. I love your writing, but my experience with love and breakups is that they don't, or at least shouldn't happen at the drop of a hat. Someone might be having a bad day, or remember a disappointment that was not communicated, and devise a reason to break up without any real communications, other than that 5 minutes decision. It is much harder for most of us to swallow our pride, when we know there is love there, and apologize, rather than taking a negative action, and ending something that is so sacred as love. Love is rare, these days, it seems almost nonexistant. I have a good boyfriend now. We are both in our late twenties. We fight, but we love more than we fight. We do not fight unfairly. We started out, as the previous woman said, defensive, yes, everyone does, and should, but as time goes by, one reveals ones dark side and light side; I believe we all have both, and then see how much of both are practiced. My boyfriend makes big-time boo boos. He can be mean and feisty as hell, and he stands up to me and doesn't take my b.s. But he also lets me do when I am doing the right thing, for myself and for him, and nine times out of ten he is right (too me a few years to figure that one out)...and, from those actions, I can see that in spite of all his blemishes, this man really does want the best for me, and always did. I could find a million reasons to throw him out, but today, I don't look for those. I am much more tolerable of our differences. When I look at what some of my friends have, as a boyfriend, I think to myself "Claire, you may have a guy who can be a nightmare, but most of the time, I can see he is trying". He stands up for me at every turn. I know he is going to be supportive and on my side no matter what the situation. How many women have that?
Yours truly,
Claire C.
Boise, ID.
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Very good blogging here. Am a marriage and family counselor in
suburban Washington, D.C. I have a few questions on your comments.
"Did it really have to end, did he/she disappoint? You couldn't find the words to say I love you, spinning in the cloud of whether to go or stay, you end it."
This is where I come in, and I believe every marriage and family counselor comes in. This is what I see most often in my office. Some kind of disappointment (oh god not this again, they are both thinking) as they rehash every "bad" relationship they had in the past.
But I often pose the question, "Something got you to this point. What was it? Something, somewhere, somehow, you liked/and loved about this other when you met and the courtship began."
Whatever my patient may think (unless the other has committed a terrible crime or hates his mother still, etc etc.) is I remind that that love does not "just go away".
It is, in my experience, when I have actually healed couples that I ask them to both consider some
exercises in relaxation, release,
forgiveness (as you seem to agree), BUT...and this is a big but, (and may be where we are in disagreement); is a turning point. I let them know, it is WAY too easy to throw in the towel at this point, and it is not the time to even think about throwing in the towel, just yet, if the other person is showing a willingness to give it a try. It is such a vulnerable time, that first or second or third disappointment (which I am guessing you also experience in your practice). It is a time to not only forgive, but
forget the past, even the recent past (at least for now) and try something different. The behavior of the past did not work (and this is why so many of my clients throw in the towel); the WANT to live in the past because the present and future means growth, change, and yes even intimacy (which of course so many of my clients, and I bet yours are scared of, whether they admit it or not). So this is where my HARD work begins, convincing them to start afresh, to send out a signal, a phone call, an email, whatever, to let the other know, they mean something (this is if they have separated but both feel a very strong connection).
My experience in this field (for 24 years) is that many sex therapists
and family counselors give their patients the easy way out. I have talked to my colleagues who say "Oh, I told them just to hang it up" and this was after only a few months of both working hard to keep it alive.
You mention another quote "When someone tells you who they are, believe them". I am not certain what that means, but I do get feedback from my clients that a lot of breakups are due to the fact that one party, or both, simply does not believe the other person is who they say they are, or can do what they say they can do, or is not looking after their best interests, etc. (I find this mostly in bars, long distance relationships etc. But often they
are just as wrong (and sometimes right).
To end anything in 5 minutes, to me, is childish, and disrespectful.
It shows a lack of mentality towards growth, change, and eventually real love, which, in my practice, I have seen blossom even from the most horrid beginnings (or being patients in my office).
Would love to hear more on this topic.
Thanks so much for sharing this info.
Sincerely,
Dr. DBD
Sterling, Va
Caro o Dr. Arlene,
É um grande escritor! Sorry
Englis bad. good BLOG!
M. Lopez
Lisbon, Portugal
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I love your blog! I am in a one year "relationship", I guess you might call it that, with a sweet smart man from San Francisco. I am in Utah. It is costly for both of us as we have to fly to see each other. Of course every time we meet, we fight, since, I guess that is the (stressful) nature of long distance relationships. Not a lot of trust developing yet. But I
love him anyway, and it seems I can feel his support from afar (I am an adult student), he is in a
similar field, and he has helped me with an uncanny degree of research in my chosen field. He is very supportive. I am learning, though, the economics of long distance relationships. I was in one once before but I did not feel this same connection, so felt like it was time to lay it to rest,ironically, he was feeling the same and agreed to call it quits. Three of my close friendds are in LD relationships and all are running into the same problem. They have chemistry with the other guy, love them and visit them, but it eventually evaporates due to economics. I am starting to feel that is going to happen with the one I am in, as I am getting far fewer emails, messages, and our phone calls are shorter. That is what happens to my friends as well. I am starting to wonder if the only people really enjoying all this (and profiting) are the online dating services. I have not heard of one successful relationship happen. Is mine doomed to failure too? Is this pretty common in your practice?
Thank you for your time.
Sheila L.
Salt Lake City, UT
Dear Dr Krieger,
I enjoy your writing. I've always loved the line "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." Trivia: Bet you don't know who is credited with that line? A former neighbor and well-known poetess Maya Angelou, from right here born not farfrom Hot Springs, Arkansas in a rural area. It is also the home of former president Bill Clinton, and very near where the Walton family started Wal-mart (and still live).
It is the home of some of the most brilliant writers and artists in the U.S. (even one local heart surgeon is a serial NY Times Best Seller murder mystery writer named Dr. Pelligrini). We have a world famous acupuncturist (people travel worldwide to see his work on dry macular degeneration), a cartoonist, several poets and songwriters, and it has been named "The fastest growing small arts community in the U.S. on numerous occasions". It does not even have a major university yet all this culture exists (a rarity generally in such a small community). So what does all this have to do with sex and relationships? Well, we live in what physicists call the "epicenter of an energy vortex". Many people lump this with New Age philosophy, but there is much more to it than that; with a great deal of science behind it. A great many of the people in this area that run from Pine Bluff through Hot Springs are natural healers. They have a generous nature that is peerless, hence their capacity to love is boundless; I believe due to the energy vortex (okay maybe not particulary Bill Clinton but he left right after high school). He is back now though so maybe some of it will rub off. I mention all this because crime rate, divorce rate, etc. is one of the lowest in the country, and people generally are friendly, nonpretentious (nothing really to prove), and stay in love. Have you heard of this kind of thing? That certain geographic climates, areas can affect love and relationshps?
I am enjoying your blog.
Sincerely,
Bill Nathan
Malvern, Ar (near Hot Springs)
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I think your blog is the best.
My husband and I fight nonstop. He thinks I am too critical, and I think he is too judgemental. Why can't we just agree to disagree on many things? He has to make such a big issue over everything (and he thinks I do). I am not sure who is right, or if it really matters, but to me, it makes living together a nightmare. He does not do one thing to help me (other than "throw money at it" if the
problem looks too big for him. He would not get "down in the trenches with me for anything". He's just a snobby pretentious idiot sometimes, I hate to say that, but its true. Why didn't I see that when I met him. He's never given me one decent piece of advice, direction, or anything else. He want get therapy with me.
Sharmaine
Erie, Pa
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I do not like when men judge me. Maybe it was my own father who was too judgemental, but I swore I would look for a less judgemental man. Then a lightening bolt struck. The last two boyfriends I had told me it was (me) who was being overly-judgemental; and a perfectionist. I didn't believe it, but went into therapy for awhile only to discover, I was worse than them, in fact, so much worse, it is a wonder anyone tolerated me for any amount of time in a relationship at all. Am finding it very hard to forgive myself as I try to look inward, and not at "all those judgemental boyfriends that hurt me", but it appears it too, like your blog says about breakups, is a process. Why does everything have to be a process. Why can't I just hate them for their wrongdoings and be done with it. I am a grown woman and have been to hell and back. Maybe I was not cut out for relationships.
Sincerely,
Rhonda C
New Orleans, La
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Why do women lie. Maybe I am too young yet to understand life. I am only two years out of college, but women DO lie more than men, at least this man. Why can't they just step forward "like a man" and tell the truth. Why do they often have to "play victim" and hang on to that role long past the time it is even "cute". I swear I hope it is not like this in future adulthood. I am dating men if it is.
Sincerely,
Al T.
Mobile, Al
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I think that men and women are more alike as far as needs go.
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Roxanne
Charlotte, NC
Dear Dr. Arlene,
My boyfriend and I just broke up after a year, thank God. I loved him at first, even though I saw the red flags. I now can laughingly refer to him as Mr. Double Standards. He was in a similar field as you, and, cloaked himself in that field to set himself apart from other "mortal humans". One of his primary examples was, it was okay for him to stay in touch with his former girlfriends. If one of mine came into the picture for any reason, he was livid, called them names, that they were trying to get me back, etc. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What do you think of someone who is such an imbecile as to set such "rules", I guess, based on their profession? Needless to say, I do have my wherewithal, and, he did just as he wished, drove me back to an ex boyfriend. Could you blame me?
Sincerely,
Happy again in NYC
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I know that all relationships have fights and differences. Recently, my boyfriend and I of less than a year broke up; over a little "crime"....we have worked through any big ones though they have been few. He has been good to me. I am a perfectionist; and of course, sometimes good isn't good enough. So he left. Of course my heart is breaking. You say I will survive, but we plan to try again. We have seen other couples do this and succeed. Have you run into this? There is nothing major, no affairs, no dishonesty, maybe just boredom and dear on my part and his of the changes.
Best,
Arin
Billings, MO
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am devastated. I was out of town on a business trip, husband at home, and there was a brunette hair and shades of lipstick on my pillow (even perfume that is not mine). What is worse is we have two teenagers living in the same house. I can (almost) handle an affair, but how could he have done this without the kids knowing or seeing? I am packing my bags now. Is there another solution? Do I confront him?
Yours,
Angela A.
Minneapolis, MN
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Excellent blog. Thank you.
I bet this one will stump you.
Recently, I met a lovely woman in your same town. She worked in a similar field (met online). She was highly educated, and my "smarts" were mostly from the street; but I'd been around enough to "sense signals". Early on, in the relationship, before we met, she used to make fun and laugh at all the "Boca Girls" (not meaning that all were bad) but there was a spirit to that region in which they are the proverbial golddiggers. I already knew about that, and, was not sure when we finally met if she was or not.
So I played very eccentric and poor and she apparently bought it.
I had too, until she said the NINE WORD SENTENCE THAT PROVES ONE IS A BOCA GIRL WHETHER ONE KNOWS IT OR NOT. And it took her about 6 months to finally spill it out. I bet you don't know what that 9 word sentence is. Every "true boca girl, that is golddigger eventually says it, it is just a matter of time). The real classy ones, never do, and I have met a few who have not. Very few from that area. Anyway, I'm lucky to be out of it, am a trust fund baby (or which I never told her), and I a bit eccentric but nothing like what was displayed to her, but had to "play that act", just to
make sure I survived it. Came out a little bruised, but trust fund remains intact. Can you believe any woman with a mind or conscious who claims to care about people would be so dumb as to give herself away with this 9 word sentence? Some are I guess. But as your article says, one must pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and move on to greener pastures.
Thanks for all the great lessons!
Al
Gordon, Va
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Why do men walk around the house naked showing their penis like it is a badge of honor. I enjoy sex with my husband, its his right, bu I don't want to have to look at it all evening, when I'm not putting it to use. Can't he put on a robe? He says it is more comfortable (we don't have kids) and a lot of men like to do that.
Turns me off.
Cynthia
Cherry Hill, NJ
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am a married man for a long time.
My neighbors are in their late 20's; my wife and I in our 50's. We have no marriage. The neighbor's wife is flirtatious with me and once tried to seduce me saying she "has no marriage". I refused, just because she is married (and so am I). What does one do? Most men would have jumped to it?
SL
Montana
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am a bit late in the dating scene. I'm 20 and in college and only had 4 dates. Am not a bad looking guy, a good student, and girls just seem to be "my friend". Do you ever give advice on basic early dating?
Sincerely,
Alec
The New School
NYC
Dear Dr. Krieger,
My husband is a flirt. I knew it when I married him years ago. But I thought he'd grow up. He never will. It is disheartening to be with a husband who is looking at every other woman but me. How do I approach him
Sad In Memphis
Dear Dr Arlene,
My wife is a cheater. I don't mean just with some guy but a serial cheater. It has gotten back to me that she has slept with nearly every man in town. She told me I was the only one to satisfy her.
I hate to call her names but this whore is not happy unless she has a d*** inside her, period. How could I have not seen that? What a disgrace and embarrassments she is. This reminds me of my old college days when girls lied and there were no consequence. In today's dating scene, with aids at the forefront, how could she be such an idiot? Why not just ask me for a divorce....as I am about to file. Nice blog, by the way. Glad I found you.
Regards,
Lyle T
Abiline, Tx
Dear Dr. Arlene,
My heart is broken. My boyfriend and I broke up and it was my fault. I made a judgement error and blamed him for it. Now he's gone. He was so good to me and so happens, great in bed, and I know now, at this point in mylife, I will not find another like him. Am reading blogs and they all say
"pull away, play hard to get" etc. etc. But he's too smart for that.
I know him well, and he will simply move on if I play that game. I do not want to lose him. I'm sort of in the middle of that Joni Mitchell song "You don't know what you got 'till it's gone". How do I win him back?
Marilyn J.
Nashville, Tn
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I enjoy your blog writings. I am a 37 year old woman in Europe. I have traveled abroad on numerous occasions and even lived in the U.S. several years. I find that the cultures of men are very different there, at least in the south, where I hailed for 4 years. They are kinder, gentler, and have actual feelings for
us (women). I dated several and they were also better lovers. Here, and even in German and France, all nearby, it is all so, what do they call it in America...
Plastic. They are all into seduction and then you're gone.
I like your Little Red Riding Hood story. That was not my experience in the south U.S. but sure is here.
Have you had other such commentary?
Sincerely,
Franziska G.
Geneva, Switzerland
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I think the women's movement ruined it for relationships, personally. Gloria Steinem even said in an interview she "got a lot of it wrong" and the best thing to come out of it was "equal pay and opportunity" and I agree.
But look at all the women in "this movement". Can you honestly say you know even one in a decent loving relationship? The same is true for men. I signed up when it came out about 20 years ago and all it did was teach me that women were a necessary evil. I think humanity should evolve above these stupid "movements" and look at
what the Bible says about teaching each other with humanity and feelings, instead of finding
faults and going for the achilles heel. My wife and I have been happily married for 43 years!!!
Yours truly,
Alan
Scarsdale, NY
Dear Dr arlene,
I feel like the woman who just posted. I ran my man off because of my own trust issues. I found little things, little reasons to not like him anymore. He had so many little habits that were bothersome to me. I had been divorced 12 years and used to going it on my own. After he left, I started to realize how much he had helped me and loved me, but I had too much pride to
simply say I am sorry, lets try this again. Anyway, I went into therapy and the therapist suggested I do that if I really
want to try with him again. And I really do. I just don't know that I have the nerve to do it. People told me that relationships make people do silly things, and this one was worse than silly. I should have been adult enough to know that love, real love, has nothing to do with the fairy tales my mum
read me as a child, or knights in shining Jaguar driving me into the sunset. It is about caring and loving. And I threw it all away. I know you are going to say hang in there, I can tell by your writings, but I have traveled the planet and they just don't make them like this one. He is a diamond in the rough. And he's gone. And my heart is broken. Why can't I pick up the phone and say "I am sorry, can we try again?"
Lost in London UK
Dear Woman in London,
I am going through the exact same thing. I have met a lot of men, married once, and now divorce for going on twenty years. I met a very nice smart kind man, and it was long distance. Of course all kinds of misunderstandings happen in long distance trists. I accused him of things and they were not so. He was angry and lashed back, and I fell into victim role and said to myself , 'See, all men are bastards", not even looking at myself as the one who created the mess in the first place. Now I think the mess is too big but I don't want to live without this man. I am a strong woman, but even a strong woman needs a man who can help her and be supportive (and I don't mean financially). My man was good to me in public, he showed affection and attention, and peerless in the bedroom. I've traveled the world too and I know they just don't make them like that. I go on dates but he is on my mind, and he's not leaving it any time soon. Is there any way to win him back? I haven't tried apologizing and admitting I was wrong. I think I had a fear of commitment too, am not sure. But now that he's gone, I know I can put up with his little nonsense as he was at least honest and faithful and loved me.
Very decent blog by the way.
Sinead
Glasgow, Scotland
Hello Cybil,
In response to your comment:
"when love is there, it is worth fighting for."
Dr. Arlene: Yes, I agree, if love is indeed there, the relationship is worth fighting for.
"If it is over an fight that ends it in 5 minutes, something seems amiss."
Dr. Arlene: using the term or art, "over in 5 minutes" is not meant to be taken literally, it simply describes how quickly a relationship can often turn sour if both participants don't take action and speak their truths to each other from the heart.
It does indeed take compassion and understanding to stand your ground in the beginnings of a new relationship. The process of getting to know one another is fraught with sandtraps of uncertainty, emotional roller coasters and feelings of insecurity sometimes triggered by past relationships. You are correct, a relationship that has some good solid foundation is worth fighting for. However, it is important to know the difference between staying because of ego or not wanting to be rejected, vs. staying because you respect and value the other person. Fighting is a normal part of most all relationship, as long as it is done in a healthy manner. Your story sounds wonderful and you are truly blessed to have found the love of your life, and smart enough to recognize a good thing.
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I am enjoying your blog. I wish you would write more about cheating. I am going through a great disappointment, but enlightenment at the same time. I caught my wife cheating about a year ago and divorced her. I guess hindsight is 20-20 as they say, but I didn't see the signs. Everything she loved about me when we met, she eventually despised. It was all about her. She never had a postive thing to say about me (or anyone else). She was so self-absorbed and full of herself she could not see past her nose (unless it was to find another man). There is some good news. I am not wealthy; comfortable, but not rich. She left me for a very wealthy man. I know the man and he has slept with at least 2 women I know of (probably many more) since their marriage (which has only been 6 months or so). She is now devastated and wants to come back of course. This is where I get confused. Do I forgive her (she has promised to go into therapy), or do I tell her to stick it?
Happy and sad and confused in Tacoma
This is a great blog D. Arlene!
I have a question. I am an attractive woman and I can't seem to get a good man. Oh, I can get a man alright, plenty, but they are all so full of it, don't give a crap about anybody but themselves; sometimes I think they are much worse than us women (and women think other women are bad)! Where does one find the right men? Kind men who care? Are there any left?
Rose in Lafayette, LA
Dear Dr. Arlene,
You make some good points but I get the feeling you kind of go long with the idiocy of the Dr. Phil philosophy (which incidentally if you are reading the trends is going way out of style) that is, his way of abruptness, no b.s. my way or the highway attitude. It is the opposite of compassion and love and rumors have it that even oprah is about to distance herself from him. I think relationships require getting through the first
year on tiptoes with a lot of apologies and tolerance, and giving the other partner a chance to grow or change. Dr. Phil, and from what I can see of your writings, say the opposite. That is "trendy psychology" and going down fast. Maybe you can let go of that bandwagon before it is too late. Good luck whichever path you take.
Yours,
Alfred B. Jr.
Orange, Tx
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Enjoy your blog. Chivalry is not absolutely dead, at least not where I live in the Ozark Mountains, or as you say it, "rural america" (on Ar/Mo border in a town of about 45,000). I am a divorced female dentist. The "dating trenches" exist here (and my practice was in Homestead, Fl) for many years. The study was correct, but I do not believe it has as much to do with character as it does lifestyle. There, the pace was much faster, and to be honest, there was not a lot of time for chivalry. On the other hand, we women were living i the same pace, and so used to it, we wouldn't have recognized chivalry if it slapped us in the face. In
the slower more relaxed pace, people, both men and women, don't seem to feel like they have to play some role and, men can be
quite chivalrous. They care, they pamper, etc. Not all of them, but I would say the majority. And certainly there are those who
deem it important to what we call
"sextext" us all the time, thinking it will keep them on our minds, and of course, it doesn't. I want a man who is real. And I find them more real in the smaller more gentle quieter settings. Not as exciting, and surely more predicatable, but they do care about us with a passion and like the study said, I didn't see that one iota when in s. Florida, they cared about getting us into the bedroom and bragging about their
latest financial conquest. It was a bit sad, to me at least. Glad to be gone. Have a good bf for three years now who treats me like a queen.
Isis in the Ozarks
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I agree with you 100% that chivalry could be dead. And I am a Florida man (not S. FL). On the flip side, I also see femininity dead. I am not sure which caused which, but after all this women's rights thing, I have come to find many women (at least here in the Pensacola area) abusing it. They don't want equal right, they want *more* than equal rights.
Chivalry was created because there were compassionate men who felt like since women were forced to stay at home and make babies, the man should go above and beyond the duty to provide and pamper. Now women have equal rights and pay, and demand the same chivalry, but
give nothing in return; in fact, most the women around here simply are fighters by nature, and
are looking and acting more like the men, than even the men once acted. They are hardly a turn-on.
I tell a woman like it is. Make the same money or more than me, but still want me? Then do the fair and right thing and pay your share. Otherwise, move on. Most men are on to them around here. There's a few honest decent ones left but not a lot. Women should expect chivalry to be dead, at least women earning our same wages and having our same opportunities. To ask for any chilvaries above politeness and kindness, is a bit hypocritical if you ask me.
Sincerely,
Ray
Pensacola, Fl
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