AskDrArlene.com
sex,relationship,desire
Madonna's got it right when she sings,
"Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love All over your body, all over your body In my love All over, all over From your head down to your toes."
There ya go, remember what it feels like to be in lust?
In conversation with another mental health professional this week, I was startled to hear her corroborative report that none of her patients were having sex! Although she doesn't specialize in sexuality, the issues of low libido and desire were also raising their sad statistical little heads in her psychiatric arena of therapy.
The issues of low libido, lack of desire and simply falling out of love with a partner are in the top 3, of issues that present in my office. The reasons range from simply not being in the mood, to some personal affront or offense perceived by one or another of the partners, resulting in a sexless and guarded relationship.
Once anger and contempt enter the parameters of relationship, there is a black hole where the heart used to be. No love or intimacy can grow there in the dark.
Only through healthy communication can these problems in a relationship be "fleshed out" a term used in the therapeutic world. This meaning, being able to work through the hurts and disappointments that are always there in the world of relationship. Knowing how to fight fairly, not bringing up the past or throwing verbal zingers at your partner just to inflict pain or harm.
Before you're singing the song...you're already gone, I'm lonely, and find yourself begging your partner to stay, stop here please! These are the final stages of argument, where partners can make mistakes that are irreparable.
Professional help can often help partners sort things out and prioritize their relationship in a healthier more functional manner.
The statistical facts continue to support the fact that marriage and relationship is hard work. It is hard to keep sexuality and romance alive in relationship today. What can be done about it? Is sex still important after a few years together?
As a Clinical sexologist, I say, plenty can be done about it! And yes, sex is absolutely, totally, definitely, a necessity in relationship. There are a 1001 ways to show love, and enjoy a fully satisfying sexual life with your partner.
7 comments:
Very good article Dr. Krieger,
Married male 42. I should have seen the signs early on, but didn't. Married at 21. Wife was a user...of men. I always bought her nice things; did things for her, helped her get her education, helped her create her career, the list is endless. All I asked for back was love and respect. Didn't get it from the start. She would throw some crumbs every now and then (kind words, romantic nights), but looking back it was all a show. We have gone the therapy route and even the therapist (seems) to agree; I married a spoiled lazy brat, who, feels entitled to such the very life out of me. No more. That is it. I will count my losses and leave. Would rather be alone than this.
E.K. Canada
This is a fine article Dr. Arlene. My lovely wife and I have been married
almost forty five years! Looking back it seems to be one big blur. Of all our friends, only one other couple stayed married. Sex was great from the start, and still is. We have had our fights, but we always go to bed with a compromise/apology, never mad. We have gotten most of those out of the way early on...we call it "our adjustment". She is a good woman.
I got lucky. Not all of them are so good. She says I'm a good man. And you know what? I believe I am.
This article was well-written, and reinforced what I already believed. Love is about respect, care and honesty. We both have had chances with others, (much better looking I must admit) but wouldn't throw this away for anything. I really think we just got lucky. One other little trick....we both decided a long time ago, when our friends were doing the opposite, not to live outside our means. So money fights are virtually obsolete. I highly recommend it to couples, poor or rich.
D.C Smith in beautiful Portland, Or
Husband and I have a decent relationship. Sex is good even after 43 years. He's not the best looking guy on the block or even the richest, but he knows what a woman wants. I don't even have to tell him. So I guess we are oddities in the world today.
G.S.B. Somewhere In America
Daer Dr. Arlene,
My husband of ten years is a good man. He has flaws. I do too. But all I see are his flaws. My mother was like that with my father. Both were good people but she was a perfectionist. I see myself as her, but I am tiring of putting forth so much effort in a marriage in which I feel "Ed" is not as committed as I am. When I want to talk about it, he goes to play golf. I don't see it going anywhere. But I don't see myself with another man. Is therapy a way to solve this?
Rita San Jose, Ca
My husband is always angry with me about something. I can't remember a time when he wasn't. A therapyst told me I was repeating patterns (my dad had anger issues). But I am not so sure my husband has anger issues, or or just never wanted to be a husband. I see him dealing with other people in a much different way. He is calm, polite, etc. Is this all an act? It is just hard to feel kind or sexy to someone who is that angry (at me) all the time. I fell like a child being sent to her room for being bad around him.
Sincerely,
Anne S.
Reykjavik (Iceland)
Dear Dr. Arlene,
Where do I find a decent woman. I was married for 7 years and the only thing that came out of was 2 beautiful children (who she has since turned against me). I was faithful and loyal to her. I am a non-drinker and go to church. I am not overly pious, but have a strong faith. I give to the community. I try to do right. I am not a saint but I strive to do good. When the economy soured, my company went down. While I was seeking a new job, she left me for a man who was wealthy and owned a big company. I guess the only pleasure I can get out of it is that word around town is he is sleeping with just about everyone else but her. Now she sends emails to "see how I am", and lately she has revealed how she feels enslaved and the man is
verbally abusive and never there for her (how can he be, hes on a date every night)?? She wants to give it another shot. I say it's not a good idea. She says we could do counseling and work out our differences. There are numerous women after me now since I have been divorced. A few of them, very decent ones. I have a job again; took a couple years, and it doesn't pay as well. I don't want to fall into the "shallow beauty queen" trap again, of a woman who loves you when you're up, kicks you when your down. My brother says a leopard does not change its spots. She had every opportunity to be supportive when I was down; great typist, could have helped me with resumes, etc (I don't type well) but she did nothing. She was waiting for a negative to take her leap, now she wants to leap back. I am standing firm, but she keeps
tugging at my heartstrings. What do you think?
Frank in The Garden State
arlene thx for being such a bright opinionated otgoing woman to help people/ garden city guy: forget the bitch your bro is right, anyway too many women out there don't go backwards
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