askdrarlene.com
love, intimacy, sex, relationship
It was everything you ever thought you needed, your best friend and confidant, romantic and lovely, he/she was your everything all wrapped into one PERFECT package. When you kissed the world seemed to stop and you'd swear that you were the only two people in exhistence that had ever felt this sweet ecstasy.
By now you know I am just telling stories, there is fiction in the space between that notion of the perfect you and me. Sometimes things just don't work out. The breakup is as simple as that, it all ended in less than 5 minutes of harsh words and disappointment. You know it's the best thing for both of you, but it hurts deep and hard.
Did it really have to end, did he/she disappoint? You couldn't find the words to say I love you, spinning in the cloud of whether to go or stay, you end it.
_________________________
It is at this point of no return that is so important to explore and define your state of survival and well-being. This involves forgiveness and a willingness to accept that there were two parties involved here, so obviously you played a large part in the dynamics of the breakup. Many times we want to villainize our ex, they broke our hearts so of course they were the guilty ones and we were just the innocent victims! NOT!
Excuse me please, but most likely you had an idea before you got into the relationship of what to expect and who or what you were encountering. We know within a few minutes of meeting someone usually whether or not there is chemistry (which by the way can get you into trouble if that is all there really is to the relationship) and by the time you've had a few dates, you get a sense of who your partner is.
There is a great saying that says it all; "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."
We are often blinded by lust and chemistry, wanting to fit that special someone into the mold that you want them to be.
Your prince or princess has finally shown up at your door, yet if you're not careful, that pedestal you've put them on may come crashing down! So then how to know someone when you're really nothing less than strangers when you first start out on the path of a new relationship. You shared special moments and words that only lovers speak, so how can it be that the tables turned on the spin of dime and you're suddenly standing there alone?
Well, although disappointing at best when things don't work out, without risk, one can never truly encounter a great love. Nothing is guaranteed in this lifetime. They say that one must risk in order to gain.
Stated most eloquently-
The unexplored life is not worth living - Sǒcratēs; circa 470–399 BC.
So pick yourself up and brush yourself off. I know the heartache feels like it will never end, but you will survive this. You must remember that breaking up is a process. You may feel pain and anger in the beginning. Once you have passed through this level of energy, it is important to focus on forgiveness in order to move on. Also, no relationship is usually ever without some merit. I'm sure you each added something to the relationship during the time you spent together. Ultimately something learned, something gained, something given and received from each party.
Its been a long hot summer, maybe next year will be better than the last. Its one more day that you may live to the fullest.
May you live everday of your life- jonathon swift
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Almost Drowning In This Sea: How To Survive Falling Out Of Love
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The "Sex" Tells A Story: Analysis of a Relationship
askdrarlene.com
sex, relationship, marriage
In my previous blog I asked my readers to comment on whether or not they believed in "Real Love." The jury is still out on that one and I'm waiting a bit to read the emails I've been getting on the subject. I'll soon write Part II, in which I will present my thoughts and theories on whether or not I believe there is such a thing as "true love."
In the meantime, there is another component to relationship that is one of the most accurate ways to gauge the status of your relationship. First however, I need to define what I mean by relationship. I'm sure I've spoken of this in many of my previous blogs, but to clarify, I am referring to relationship as defined by Wikapedia:
-the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with one another, especially as regards the way they behave toward and feel about one another ; An emotionally close friendship, especially one involving sexual activity- a friendship, connection, union.
I think the above definition pretty much defines what we all in general think of when we hear the term "relationship." However, not many bother to discuss or define the sexual part of relationship until it becomes a problem for someone in the partnership.
The "Sex" of a relationship does indeed tell a story, defining the nuances and compatibilities’, the individual oddities and yet beautiful dance that each of the partners brings to the lovemaking, and intimacy of the "it" of relationship. This heat and energy between two people can be way beyond and bigger than any intellectualization you can muster up, in attempting to define your feelings for one another.
Often couples come into therapy reporting that they seem to have lost the excitement and desire for each other. Usually this is a symptom of something much larger than merely a loss of libido.
The rivers run deep when it comes to the gamut of emotionality and feelings that we as humans can feel for each other. It only takes one great slight, or breaking of one of the sacred bonds of partnership, causing contempt and disdain for the respective partner.
In order be in the flow, and have the kind of intimacy and sexuality that movies and love stories are made of, YES...I believe GREAT SEX does indeed exist... there MUST BE INTIMACY in the relationship. In order for Intimacy to exist...there must be respect and trust. For Respect and Trust to be in place, good communication and the ability to compromise is an absolute. These ingredients of a great relationship cannot and do not exist independently of one another.
If you are in good health, physically and mentally, and there are no medical issues that would prevent you and your partner from enjoying a healthy and active sex life, then times a wasting!
What are you waiting for? Isn't it time to explore the romantic options and possibilities that can exist for you both? Unfair fighting, standing your ground in arguments, building contempt and resentment in your relationship are go nowhere games that many people play.
Take time to stop and smell the roses...life is short and here to be enjoyed! Begin a new dialogue with your partner. Someone has to make the first move. Please don't let your ego stop you from reaching out to your partner and expressing your needs and desires.
Remember that the state of your sex life is most always a measurement of a healthy working partnership. Don't believe everything you hear on the morning radio talk shows...love is different than lust. Lust is a dime a dozen, a strong and enduring love is a gem that many never find. Take the time to be spontaneous and creative, loving and considerate and you'll find that flicker of passion that can only exist with purpose and passion.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Have You Ever Been In Love?
askdrarlene.com
Love, Relationship, Intimacy
Well, July 4th has come and gone, and the summer is almost half over. Can you believe it? What about your dreams all winter long, enduring the cold and the snow, thinking about that great summer vacation that lies ahead. Hoping to meet that special someone during that long hot and sultry summer, you devise the most intricate of plans in your head, knowing it will be a July full of romance and lust that will outshine any firework display!
SCREEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, now back to reality. It is the middle of the summer, and your one true love has not yet appeared! Egad! What on earth, no it can't be, not another bummer of a summer with no fantastic love story to report upon return to earth and your fellow co-workers!
So then, what of this fantasy that most of us have had once or twice in our lives, to fall madly in love with that one unique and fantastic, handsome/beautiful person that walks on water and floats through the air?
The one that you've created in your mind a thousand times over, that will love you like you've never been loved before and can do no wrong. The one guy or gal that reminds you of good old mom's apple pie and dad's aftershave when you were 6 years old.
Its a bird, its a plane, NO....or is it merely a myth as intangible as Superman's ability to fly?
You tell me. I'd love to hear from my readers first. Then I'd love to respond to most all of you as to whether or not I truly believe that "REAL LOVE" does indeed exist!!
Looking forward to hearing your comments.
Dr. Arlene
