askdrarlene.com
sexuality, marriage, relationship
Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they?
The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.
Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems.
With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your general medical doctor, or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your therapist will recommend that the medical doctor run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your libido or sexual desire.
In today's society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, "being all over each other 24 hours a day.
Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no 1 one "right way" of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no "editing" of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome...surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.
Great sex and love- making is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.
There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.
Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!
Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.
What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The No. 1 Question: What Is Normal Sexuality in Marriage?
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6 comments:
Hi. Good article. I really never thought about this; as "I am getting plenty" but guess now I have to wonder, "who is wondering about us?"
Dear Dr. Arlene,
I live in suburban Md. in a townhouse condo. My wife is attractive.....we are in our late 50's. I am not sure if we have "normally scheduled sex" but for years, we've seemed to have it simultaneously and seem to be on the same wave length, and know when the other is ready. It's been a good marriage. Now we have a new married couple next door, and the husband is very flirtatious (with my wife); of course this is a nice ego stroke, and I am not envious, but he can be a bit overbearing; with way too many compliments in the same breath. His wife does not seem to enjoy it but is like a churchmouse in the background and does not discourage him (at least not in public). My wife has told me it makes her feel uncomfortable. I can see why. Should I gather my sword and show chivalry? Talk to the young guy, or simply walk away from his path (with my wife)? JB
in Bethesda
Dear dDr Arlene,
I am a female in Va. married
27 years. I am disgruntled at the
stupidity of my husband who I put through college, gave him 3 children, cooked, stayed at home, etc. etc.
He loved me for who I was. Now its all about "what I look like". Well I've got news for him. He doesn't look much better. Was this what marriage was supposed to be bottom line? What I LOOK like? I still am attractive and turn heads. I think he is buying into the old cliche Hollywoode looks. He disgusts me right now. He is not the man he was. I thought he had depth but I guess it was all about how I looked. By the way, I dress very well, keep manicured, bathe, exercise and take care of my skin. I'm simply older. There are a lot of good older men out there and to be honest, I'm outta here and on my way to one of them and let him get through this midlife crises on his own. CJP in Va.
Dear Suburban Md.
It sounds like your neighbor may be looking to get a response from either your wife or yourself. Considering the fact that he is your new neighbor, it might be best to try and keep the peace for right now. Its possible that he may take the hint if his remarks are ignored, and cease with the immature flirtations. If however, the comments continue to bother your wife, or escalate to a level where your wife's safety may be threatened, it may become necessary to make it clear to your neighbor, that you're sure he is just being "friendly" in his manner, but that it is not appreciated by your wife..and you would prefer that he discontinue that type of behavior around your wife. Hopefully that will do the trick, without having to contact your local police department and make a complaint against him. Believe it or not, our law enforcement takes issues of "stalking" or harassment very seriously these days, and your neighbor will certainly not want to meet with the latter consequences that may befall him.
Dear Doctor,
I appreciate your point of view and agree on much of what you say. Been in a relationship four years, terrific woman, and I don't think intimacy can be created or invented.
It is earned from each party...on much more than just great sex. It is earned on commitment, deeds done that show commitment, trust, and a whole lot of other issues that I won't go into as they are too complex. But in time, even great sex becomes more intimate, and an expression of wanting to pleasure the mate, not just oneself, because the two have come so close as to be one. Might not make sense but how it feels to both of us.
Sid L.
San Diego
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