ask Dr. Arlene
relationship, intimacy, sex, love
Hello readers,
It is a rainy Sunday afternoon and I am sitting down to write on this very important subject of, 'What makes your lover great.'
FYI:
Also mentioned in this blog are safe-sex practices for those in the dating and mating scene. Many often take sexual health risks without understanding the consequences of unsafe sex. If you do not know your intended lover and haven't discussed previous dating practices, health records, blood work and STD, HIV testing measures, please do so before entering any new intimate relationship for your own safety.
As to what constitutes a "Great Lover"...it is a delicate subject indeed, and I do not profess to be the world's expert on differentiating between great lovers and not, however, being an expert in the field of human sexuality, I am often privy to numerous opinions on the subject, both unsolicited and randomly provided in my daily interactions with people (meaning on the street opinions, not those of my patients).
I was talking to a massage therapist the other day on this subject. I respect her ideas and she is a savvy woman of the world. Yes guys, we women do talk about such things. Possibly a bit differently than males do, but we talk.
So then, let's begin. It seems that there is a general consensus among women as to what makes for a not so good, a good and a great lover!
THE NOT SO GOOD LOVER:
In general, this man will brag at first meeting of his sexual prowess in the bedroom. Also, it is often alluded to as to how well endowed he is. It seems that if the man was such a Casanova in the bedroom, he wouldn't be having to put out a pre-show documentary on his circus act abilities. Also, this man may have a Bad Boy persona, which usually doesn't get him too far. Many men think that women like Bad Boys, but believe me, its an urban myth !
Also, the "not so good lover" is generally all about himself, in multi-dimensional ways. It is maintained that this NSG lover is all about his own performance and pleasure. It is usually his way or the highway, and when suggestions are made, he maintains his reasoning for his own selfish proclivities, standing his ground like a spoiled child. Great sex is about sharing, communication, negotiation and most of all playfulness. Too many rules in the bedroom are a capital TO for Turn Off!
SEXUAL HEALTH NOTE:
Danger: Equal-Opportunity STDs
Here's another reality check: sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are incredibly common in the U.S. -- even if your social circle is affluent and educated. The most common STDs are: Chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), and HIV/AIDS.
To reduce risk, use a condom every time you have sex. Ask your partner if he or she has ever had an STD -- even if the question feels awkward. Limit your number of sexual partners. Don't have sex with someone who has sores on his or her genitals. Don't receive oral sex from somebody with a cold sore. Ask your partner to be tested. Try alternate forms of sexual intimacy.
Please beware of the lover that will insist on not utilizing safe-sex practices. If a new lover demands that he not use a condom because he "can't feel anything", I'm sorry to say that's his problem, not yours. Don't risk contracting STD's or other sexually contracted diseases with this man's power play.
THE GOOD LOVER:
The 'Good Lover' takes responsibility and provides his own safe-sex protection. This man is a grown up all the way and usually knows what he wants. He is not too quick to jump the starting gate on the first date and knows the basic rules of not choking you to death with his tongue at first kiss. The Good Lover knows how to follow your lead both in and out of the bedroom.
THE GREAT LOVER:
Ahhhh... this man is a unique creature. Seriously he really does exist! The makings of a Great Lover depends on how healthy he is both mentally and physically himself. This man wants a partner who challenges and supports him towards being a more awake, present and open lover.
This man is not into playing games and is ready for the work and play it takes to co-create an extaordinary relationship together. This lover is looking for a woman who wants more than a partner "for masturbation by other" who wants to learn to flow and co-create together.
Where do you find this man?
Next Post: Getting What You Want Out of Dating and Relationship
In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene
Sunday, August 10, 2008
THE NO. 1 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GREAT LOVER AND THE NOT SO MUCH GUY!
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2 comments:
First off, men do know women talk amongst themselves. We in fact believe there is very little you don't talk about and consequently, we know that the love making will be evaluated and graded. There is even part of us that thinks this report will have a significant impact on our future love life as if we get a great report card than all women will want us (we never do leave high school behind altogether). That's the irrational and absurd thinking that we get from movies and televisions; however,deep down to keep our egos intact, what is most important is that the woman we care for thinks of us as being adequate in bed... adequate at the very least. Conflicting messages can truly mess with a man's head. We are told repeatedly that a woman wants a man who will take charge and in the more primitive mind that translates to the notion that the man should seize control and make love to the woman rather than share in love making. This idea can often be reinforced by passive women who do believe they are princesses and that it is enough for them to be delectable and let the man attend to them without any thought of reciprocation. Despite recent evidence to the contrary, men are taught that women are too demur to say what they like. With the playing out of this myth, men don't believe a woman when she says "don't do that!". "Trust me baby, you'll like it," is the probable mantra in this case. This I imagine often leads to women enduring sex rather than enjoying it.
I don't believe that most men intend to be selfish lovers. As the good doctor says, many become selfish as a way to hide their fear of adequacy or their lack of education. There's probably something to be said for those so called primitive tribes that initiate youngsters into sex by pairing them with an older tutor/lover. In the information age, there really is little excuse for a man's lack of knowledge except maybe in those few cases where the man is such a prude (men can be prudes) that he thinks it's immoral to avail himself of any instructional material. Now, of course if men get their education from pornography -- and most probably do -- that is a major problem, as the easy women in those movies are always turned on by pawing. crude come ons, and aggressive tongues. These movies are so formulaic that , while they do pay attention to a woman's pleasure, it's of the one fits all variety.
As I stated in another comment here, there is no fixing that small group of guys who are selfish pigs and will always be selfish pigs. ( the good news with regard to those men is that if women stop procreating with them, via natural selection they should die out as a breed ... in a millenium or two)
I do think that if men adhered to some simple rules, the women in their lives would be happier. The first is that people do to others, what they like to have done to themselves. So if the woman is caressing and kissing gently and touching certain areas, the man would be advised to follow suit. Another rule would be to forget about the rules as Dr A mentions, to stop being cerebral, but instead to do what feels good. Men actually do have nerve endings in their hands and lips and if they allowed themselves to be fully present, they would discover that caressing actually feels good on both sides of the caress. They would also discover that slow sex that builds up gradually heightens their own pleasure and ultimate orgasm as well. That is not to say that a good intense quickie has no place, because it certainly does, which leads up to what I think is the most important truth of great lovemaking: Foreplay is way over rated. If you have to employ a lot of foreplay with your lover all the time, you are probably not experience a great partnership. If both parties are more attentive than not to their partners' needs throughout the course of their time together; if consideration is a habit, if flirtation is a perpetual practice, if as the Doc says, communication is consistent and compliments a regular habit then the relationship becomes one steady act of foreplay. Excuse my crudeness, but the best relationships I've experienced is one where the couples are so conditioned that just a touch or the sound of a lover's voice or even a sweet memory is enough to trigger wetness and an erection. Sure, your girl should be wet for you in the bedroom, but she also should be wet for you sitting across the table at dinner, or even sitting in her office when she suddenly receives a sweet call or an email with a bit of inuendo. While intercourse may be a bedroom activity, lovemaking should be a wholelife experience. If it were, the folks at K-Y would need to start testing their lubricants on squeaky doors if they wanted to stay in business.
This is great info to know.
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