askdrarlene.com
-intimacy, sex, love
The lyrics of Tina Turner's song, "Whats love got to do with it" resonates in my mind as I drive into my office today. Although they say that one should leave their work at the office, in my line of work, that is easier said than done. The pain and angst of life exists, many learn to survive it, for some that are eternally stuck in the past, it culminates into eternal pain.
Whether at rest, in lines at the food store or caught in traffic, thoughts of my patient's lives tumble through my head like waves crashing upon the shore. The nuances of each and everyones personal dilemmas, ebbing and flowing with the same destructive forces of nature.
In review of a recent article, it is reported that "head over heels attraction can be a sign of bad schema chemistry." The author speaks of "love traps" such as issues of entitlement, abandonment, defectiveness, subjugation, self-sacrifice, punitiveness. The list is unlimited as to what we as human beings are capable of, in relation to the dynamics of personal interaction with one another.
Thus, if Lust, Sexual and Physical attraction, the Desire for another for the sake of personal pleasure is not LOVE, then as 'Alfie' so effectively states "whats it all about.?"
To begin with, LOVE is a decision that one makes, hopefully incorporating, reason, logic, and executive front lobal thought processes, vs. the animal attraction of the limbic system thought processes.
Real LOVE is the conscious intent, a cognitive leap of good faith, mixed with genuine care, respect, and a sprinkling of heartfelt and soulful emotion towards your respective object of desire/loved one.
Absolute LOVE is not simply wanting this other human being in your life because you can gain personal pleasure from them, but rather, it is an intangible soul to soul love, where wanting the best for the other person comes from your heart, not from a sense of personal gain. To love one because you admire and respect the core essence of them, to love another from the perspective that you are a better person for having them in your life, these are the essentials of an authentic and lasting LOVE.
Simply some food for thought for all of those who claim to love, but use the term vaguely....without exploring the responsibilities of such a true and blissful journey.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Whats Love Got To Do With It?
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5 comments:
I like this article, and your writings.
Me: seven years divoced. turning 50. married a young great looking man in my twenties (I was the belle of the ball); all others wanted him. He was seven years my junior. Big mistake. This man put play in the word "player". Never seen anything quite like it.
I went through a low self-esteem time after my divorce in which I played too; I mean, I thought "why not...still attractive...younger 'studs' want me. Another big mistake. They wanted me for one thing (though they always said they would fall madly in love with me....uh huh, yeah". Oh well live and learn.
I now date a great man who is a year younger, not the greatest looker but not hard to look at.
He cares for me, and his soul reaches out to mine (and mine to his). To me, this is what a relationship/possible marriage truly is. He is past the stage
of midlife crises and admires young pretty women; I do of men too; but is mature enough not to act on them and ruin everything we have built.
Caring, loving, commitment, etc. beats tanned beach muscles and a pretty face, every single time (and you get to keep your soul and self-esteem to boot)!
Thanks Drarlene.
S in Toledo
Great article Dr. Kreiger,
Seems that Tina was kicked around quite a bit by Ike before penning that tune...I wonder if it had to do with him. Had an abusive mate for many years. Fortunately did not marry him. He had looks, money, had it all; but good manners and care and love; which is what I sought. I left. Love had nothing to do with it. Sandi in Mn.
"Real LOVE is the conscious intent, a cognitive leap of good faith, mixed with genuine care, respect, and a sprinkling of heartfelt and soulful emotion towards your respective object of desire/loved one."
Dear Dr. Kreiger,
I love this line. Thanks. If only I'd known it before. My wife and I fight like cats and dogs at times, but we love each other. I can see now how important actions are, probably more so than words (though we both remember to say "I Love You" as if it is the last day of our lives every day. I love your blog. Thanks for sharing it.
KD Tampa, Fl
Dear Dr Arlene:
Call me "Jim"; not my real name. I live in New Jersey and met a woman online in New York City.
We take the train back and forth. Lately, after 4 months, she wants me only to come to NY. I don't mind coming most of the time, but she
is starting to use sex as a weapon, I believe, that is, when she has to travel here, she is just not in th mood, if I go there, she is ready to go.
I am good to her and generous. I am not rich, but I give a lot in other ways and she appreciates it (she says).
My sex life is a part of me. If she doesn't want it, should I go elsewhere? The thought of asking her to go to therapy with me is
not even an alternative. She will not and does not believe in it. What do I do? We are attractive professionals in our mid forties and a sexless life can be sad.
Sincerely,
Jim in the garden state.
To Jim in the Garden State:
My first concern is that your girlfriend is so adament about "not going to therapy" and only having you travel in to the city to see her. Also you state that if she has to come to see you in NJ, that she uses sex as a weapon, and that only if you go to the city to visit her, is she willing to have sex with you. For starters, using sex as a weapon is a sure fire way to end a relationship. That little game only works for so long, until you realize what is going on, and hopefully put on your running shoes and get the heck out of there. It is unfair at best, to ever use sex as a weapon in relationship. Unfortunately, that kind of behavior is a sign of things to come, ie. unfair fighting, not willing to compromise, etc. If two adults cannot find their way along the path of relationship to communicate, compromise, share their thoughts and feelings, and must resort to such immature games of strong hold tactics, I would be very wary of continuing on with such a relationship. As they say..please approach with eyes wide open!!
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