askdrarlene.com
relationship/sex/intimacy
In today's world of cyber-space technology, we are a society overwhelmed with information from Sex to Politics. Our sympathetic nervous system is flooded with multi-media, from the privacy of our homes to almost every other venue that we could possibly experience during our daily routines of life.
Recently, while sitting in a doctor's waiting room, another patient walked in and remarked. " oh no...not him again" referring to a television news conference with Obama at the helm. Perhap I have seen so much of Hillary and Obama lately, that I too had reached my satiation level for the week. I looked up from the magazine article I was reading, oblivious to the intrusive nature of the large 42inch plasma screen on the opposite wall of the waiting rooms sterile environment.
Somehow I had found my way to a magazine that peaked my interest instead, and had not noticed the mechanical drone of the monster T.V. Not of interest to me, however seemingly comforting to some, I was momentarily fascinated by the mere fact that I actually could "tune out" the blare of the commotion of the daily news.
It occured to me later that day, that if we as human beings, can "tune out" much of what we are bombarded with via, electrical signals, machinery, techno-techniques, visual and sensory over-stimulation, than what other of our senses have we automatically "shut down" in order to survive the fast pace of this 21st century????
Of course due to the nature of my profession, the wheels are always turning, seems I am never without a book or journal in pocket. As a student of human nature and the behavioral sciences, we as psychotherapists don't just turn off our inquisitive minds once we achieve our highest level of degrees.
It is important for me as a Doctor, knowing the part I play in patient's lives, to be currently well read in the genre of Love , Sex and Relationship. Essentially always existing on the "virtual cusp" of why, what and how we LOVE in today's society.
In order to achieve "successful outcome" in therapy, the information and knowledge that can be provided to the patient, known in this field as "bibliotherapy", is an essential component of the therapeutic process.
Simply defiined; Information is knowledge, Knowledge is Power. If you are looking to empower yourself in a healthy, loving, sexual, and intimate relationship in today's world, You will need all the tools and tips for success that you can get !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This brings me to the issue of patients blocking out their emotionality at different levels. If we can block out the daily noise of life, then surely you can understand how easy it would be to accidently block your emotions. This means, internalizing your frustrations, building up anger issues without venting, not utilizing fair-fighting skills, guarding your inner self and seeing yourself as a victim in many situations, not being understood, not getting the love that you think you deserve in your relationship.
If any of the above seems familiar to you, join the club!!!!!!!!!! How can we be in "touch with our inner selves" if we are not even fully present in the moment, not even aware of who we are or where we are in our environment, let alone our relationships and marriages.
Love before you Leap, is a metaphor of knowing yourself first.
How can we love and expect to be loved, if you don't love yourself.
Becoming aware of who you are, where you are going, and then deciding who you are taking with you....is one of the most fertile adages I know. It is certainly food for thought.
Taking the time to simplify your life, deciding "Who is Writing Your Script" and who are the players in your script. Are you the director, who are your writers, your stage hands, etc. You and only you should be in control of your choices in life. Although "Choice" takes work and is not a simple process....understanding who you are and whom you choose to love is a great beginning to successful relationship. Choosing to know yourself first, before you either LOVE or LEAP into the 21st century of the many choices we are faced with, can only serve you with clarity and better decision making skills.
In love and light,
Dr. Arlene G. Krieger
LOOK FOR NEXT WEEKS BLOG: WHATS LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT??????
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
LOVE BEFORE YOU LEAP
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4 comments:
been in therapy FOR seven years. husband made me go...i think he needs it worse than me. he says i'm picky, neurotic and don't look as good as when i was twentie (wellwho the hell does dr Arlene????
He says I need to reach his level. he offers me no support. we do not have children. he has a part time job as a security guard. i have my own startup entrepreneurial internet business, which i know takes time; i started it with les
than $100 and he wont help me any. he knows a bit about the internet but is against my doing it (is he jealous that i might go ahead of him?)
jan in co.
Dear Jan,
You don't mention whether or not your husband is attending therapy with you. The couple should most always be working together in therapy for a positive outcome. He is entitled to his "opinion" about your behavior...but who does he think he is to be critical of your looks, comparing you to when you were in your 20's...is he on some youth serum that we all don't know about!!!! Reach his level?? What exactly is "his level"?
You can not be responsible for another human beings behavior. It is not fair fighting to be critical and compare you to standards that are virtually impossible. You may not be able to control his editing of you, however...you are in control of your own life. By refusing to be a "victim" in this relationship, it is important for you to take care of and love yourself. This may mean, working on your own health management, i.e. rest, eating right, exercise, finding peace of mind through something you love doing. As far as his "jealousy" of you...I don't your exact situation and can't say. However...yes, sometimes our partners can exhibit signs of jealousy, heck...even the Dali Lama admits to feeling "jealousy" at times. Please read his recent books!!! But...that doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to anothers ideas of who you should or can be in your lifetime. So if he won't help you...figure out a way to help yourself. You are partners in this marriage, but no one owns another person, simply by virtue of marriage.
Dear rd arlene,
Thank you so much for your
quick response and everything
yu said made sense. There is more
to my story. I quit school after high school (to try to have babies) but was enfertile so i could not. i stayed with this man because i loved him and even though he had a big ego;, he seemed to like supporting me; now I know it was to keep me helpless and to keep his home, or at least it feels that way. Every time I talk about taking clases, he says "at YOUR age?". so i've snuck and taken internet classes and learned how to operate a business on it. i am finally making money after forteen months selling in afiliate programs. not a lot but enough to buy nicer clothes, makeup, go out with my friends, and things i have wanted to do for a long time. he goes out with his friends. he is not in therapy and does not believe in it.
the thing he seems to hate is that i have to spend time on my internet business; only 3 or so hours a day but it is making money now. and I started it with nothing. The reaonsing i think he is jealous is because he kept telling me there is no way that would work, plus, he gets 3 hours less attention than normal. he always has an unkind word about it and is discouraging to me. I do not tell him it is making money, or he would realy get mad. I feel like he is missing out on an opporunity in that, though it is not a lot of money, it is just enough extra to pay our bils, and would be a lot more if he would pitch in and show me the things he knows he understands the complicated stuf like marketing and such. I don't. He is one of those sink or swim types. that is A bit hippacritical in that he got help along the way to learn his trade, why can't i? we struggle with bills and if i could let him know it is starting to work, I could show him the money i am making and even pitch in, but I am afraid his machisomo ego is too fragile. it makes me wish i was alone in a small apartment because we live in a big house but it is lonely to me as I do not think i love him. how can i love him if there is no talking about importent things?
ps if he looked at himself in miror he would think twice about attacking me. and what are looks anyway? that is so immature and cruel.
Dear D. Arlene
Cheers Mate from Down Under (
I met a guy 6 months ago online and we have been getting to know each other through email and phone (my phone bill is outrageous). We both live in different parts of Australia and are on budgets as we are self-employed and can only see each other now every 3-4 months (we make about the same income). Problem is, he is "not ready to meet". We have formed (I think) a pretty darn good relationship, at least it seems like one; but he keeps saying, he can't get away from work. I think that is bs and anyone can do what they want or need to do for love. Another thing. He has a very hard time saying I love YOU. He says it is because he comes from a family in which it was never said he feels goofy saying it. Well, so did I and that is one of the main reasons I say it often. All the people who never said I love you in my family are dead or live far away, and it will never get said. Sad to say, there are many good qualities in this man. He helps me with a lot in my life (even far away) giving good advice, mainly business, but I am scared, if, after 6 months he is scared to meet (its only a 6 hour airflight); I told him I would come there, but he still says no. Am I talking to a player? I don't get it. Maybe I'm too sentimental and affectionate. Maybe he has issues. I dont know.
Call me
Confused in Sidney Au.,
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