Have You Been Naughty or Nice? Santa's Coming To Town!

Tags: American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, board vertified clinical sexologist, boca raton, charity, chirstmas, deerfield beach, delray beach, Dr. Arlene Krieger, holidays, licensed marraige and family therapist, marraige and family therapy, marraige counsling, men's health, new years, palm beach, sex therapist, sex therapy, therapist, west palm beach, women's health

“Snow is snowing, wind is blowing …I can weather the storm, what do I care how much it may storm…got my love to keep me warm” Can’t remember worse December watch those icicles form….what do I care…icicles form… got my love to keep me warm.. off with my overcoat off with my gloves…who needs an overcoat I’m burning with love.. .My hearts on fire, flame grows higher…I will weather the storm….”
Frank Sinatra

The holiday season is upon us again as the sweet smell of Frasier fir and cinnamon pine cones waif through the air. In Florida the Christmas trees stands, eggnog and gingerbread lattes on the menu board at Starbucks are the few clues that the holidays are near.
Along with the excitement, decorations and spirit of the holidays, also comes the burdens. With the current state of our economy, many without jobs, our men and boys away in the military, for many these holiday weeks will be a very stressful time of the year for most.
It is important to sit back in times like this and reconsider what the true meaning of the holidays implies. Being together with loved ones, acknowledging what we are grateful for, and the selfless joy of giving to others is a greater gift than any store bought present that could make your Christmas bright.
The state of being happy and filling your heart with joy never truly comes from external things. Instead of feeling lonely because you don’t have friends or loved ones near, your energy and time is better put to use with a plan to accomplish something good, to envision trees of green rather than the empty branches of winter. Now is a time for opportunity to help someone else in this wonderful world. Saying I love you can be accomplished in numerous ways. Receiving the loving energy of sharing and helping others is also great food for the soul. It is often human nature to feel sorry for ourselves, what the heck we are only mere mortals. See if your neighbor needs help, volunteer at your local church or synagogue, and donate to your favorite charity.
It’s that time of year when the world falls in love. Wishing you and yours a peaceful and blessed holiday, and May your New Year dreams come true.

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I've Fallen (IN LOVE) And I Can't Get Up!

askdrarlene.com
Bocatherapy.com
sexual health, intimacy, relationships


While on a social networking site that I also post articles on, I came across another members recent post describing her overwhelming feelings of pain and angst over a lost love. Her powerful writings described feelings of falling hard, unrequited love, yearnings for comfort, tossing blindly and her willingness to walk into the fire to be reunited with her lover.

As a little girl I remember all too well the feelings of being dumped by Bobby, my kindergarten boyfriend for little blond Karen, his newest conquest. Although I grew up, fell madly in love myself and lived the all American dream for a few years, the bubble burst and I ended up a single parent of three. As I often tell my patients in my private practice here in Boca Raton, Florida (http://www.bocatherapy.com/) love is not for the timid. In order to love one must be willing to risk. With risk comes thousands of possibilities of outcome. There are no guarantees in life or love. So if you are bold enough to take that giant leap of faith, there are still ground rules for searching for Mr. or Mrs. right!

We all want that love that makes us feel like we're home. Somebody to hold, share in our dreams and disappointments. On the '"jouney of love" most often, the prince charmings and sleeping beauty princesses end up to be diamonds in the rough for most of us. So often I hear the phrase, "I don't want to settle." My advise to you is Don't Ever Settle! True love is not about "settling" in order to say that you're in love or not be alone on a Saturday night.

So instead of reaching out for a phantom love or talking to yourself about what a cold, cold road it is out there, do something about finding that one great person to share your life with. The author on gather.com described her feelings of unrequited love as:

"I am sitting here at my computer waiting as usual for him to email me, I have a feeling he won't. This is hard to write and as I do the tears start once more, I have cried over him so many times. I met someone who after talking with for several month's, almost everyday, came to love. Now how silly is that?
I know I am being silly, but it's true. I told him many times how I feel, he thought it was nice, but was honest from the start telling me he did not feel the same way. So I made a fool of myself . Can someone tell me how do you get over someone you love, but dosn't love you? It hurts terribly and my heart is broken. "

If you're waiting for a change of heart sitting at the edge of your seat expecting your relationship to turn around for the better as the author above, you'll be waiting for a long, long time. People don't usually "change." What you see is what you get in most situations involving love and relationship. Thinking about those lonely nights waiting for someone's call is useless energy that could be better spent in a productive manner and leading you to a fulfilling relationship.

KEYS TO LETTING GO AND MOVING ON FOR THOSE THAT HAVE "FALLEN (IN LOVE) AND CAN'T GET UP."

1. Let go and move on when you don't get back what you put into the relationship.

2. Spending countless hours waiting for someone to call makes you the fool, not him/her.

3. Recognize that you're a unique and valuable person, seek out someone who recognizes you for your worth.

4. Wasting time on someone that doesn't show you respect or consideration is a go nowhere situation.

5. Communication is crucial, when someone tells you who they are, Believe Them!

6. Don't believe you're in love because there is an empty space in your life, develop some basic boundaries

7. If you are at any level of dis-comfort, speak your truth, give your partner a chance to step up to the plate, and if you don't get your needs met, then move on!

Life is not a dress rehearsal as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, Go Fishing and find your happiness!

In Love and Light,

Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

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The Black and White Cookie Syndrome of Relationships!

askdrarlene.com
sexual health, intimacy, relationships

Hello Readers,

I've been away visiting with my daughter in New York city. She is a young doctor in the city and among the ranks of those "dating" in Manhattan. Over breakfast one morning, we were discussing the issues of relationship and what attracts people to one another. There seem to be some basic correlations in the dating and mating process no matter what generation is at hand.

The conversation turned to peoples likes and dislikes and ultimately to aspects of relationship. As I nibbled on a black and white cookie, it reminded me that just as the movie character Forest Gump referred to life as being like a "box of chocolates", I tend to see relationship as that of the "black and white cookie syndrome."

My daughter looked at me with that look of the empirical mind of a surgeon, and asked what the black and white cookie had to do with relationship? She doubted that I could actually create a blog on the subject, so here's to you my darling daughter.

I received a call from her yesterday to alert me to the fact that she saw the recently printed article where I was interviewed for an article in Cosmopolitan magazine. As a "relationship expert" and Clinical Sexologist, my opinion as Arlene Krieger, PhD. was quoted in the November 2008 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. The front page article in this issue is titled, "Times You Shouldn't Text a Guy." (pg. 44) As a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist, I am always in motion, in the flow of research, seminars, actively looking for the newest and latest information to help my patients.

Many patients are referred to my practice by gynecologists, urologists and other medical doctors that are also hoping to help their patients. Sex therapy is a very specific specialty and it is good to see that the medical profession is accepting it as part of the integral and comprehensive treatment for their patients.

The black and white cookie analogy represents the differences we all tend to perceive as human beings. Just as in the medical professions, traditional doctors tend to view life and medical issues differently than many of the holistic doctors. These various climates of thought are often confusing to the patients. It is then up to us as individuals to make educated and rational choices, to be responsible for our own physical and mental health.

It is the same process of choosing Relationship that often lends itself to states of conflict and confusion. With the "Black and White cookie" theory, the question arises, why do we have to like chocolate over vanilla or vanilla best over chocolate? Which side of the cookie do you go for first? Do you ever mix it up and eat half of one and half of the other, do you cheat and claim to be a chocolate lover, and yet intermittently break off little bits of the white side of the cookie? Can our individual taste choices be judged here? Would one ever dare to chastise another for their cookie preferences?

The real issue in choosing your partner and getting along with the choice of "cookie" that you made, is in the why,how and what of your choices. People make these most important choices of all, whom you plan on spending the rest of your life with, often based on poor reasoning. This ultimately ends up in the demise of their relationship or marriage.

It is of utmost import to realize exactly which side of the black and white cookie you stand for! If you are a vanilla icing kind of girl, no matter how much you try to rationalize it, you're never going to be at that necessary comfort level with Mr. Chocolate! Although he may talk a convincing story about the rich, dark chocolate wonder of life, you may not be able to live outside of your cool creamy vanilla understanding and existence of your own values and traditions.

We often tend to make our right another's wrong. Its not that simple. Of course if two people are attracted enough to one another to try and build a relationship there will have to be compromise. However, make sure that you choose the familiar side of the cookie before you embark on this most interesting road to romance and lifetime committment.

In Love and Light, Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

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The No.1 Way To A Fulfilling Relationship: Choosing Love

askdrarlene.com
dating, intimacy, relationship, love, sex

Excerpt from: Secrets Of Love Lust and Loss
by Dr. Arlene G. Krieger

How can you be missing someone that never existed? No matter how much you hoped for or pretended that things weren't all that bad, you find that you're alone without your partner. Seeking a rock to stand on you've taken all you can bear and climbed up and out of the relationship.

Your memory will try to play tricks on you for awhile. All you can remember is the last time your lips touched or the final words said to each other. Nothing else seems to matter, how can things be right with the world when your lover has turned her/his back on you. After all, you gave them your heart, your love, your soul energy for gods' sake! Perhaps you thought you heard them whisper words of love and intent, but perhaps it was just your own imagination blowing in the wind.

There seems to be no relief in sight and you can't forget what it was like in their arms. You gave away your heart and all you got back was indecision and doubts.

HOLD ON! STOP!

All that you wanted out of a relationship doesn't have to end in this type of scenario!
There are some key relationship tools that can help you to see who you are, how you got there, and how not to go towards a negative relationship again. Here are a few brief guidelines to put you on that road to happiness, finally realizing healthy and whole relationships.

Don't be discouraged, it's harder than you think in this world full of so many personalities and values, to find your true love. What's done is done, however there is somebody out there for everyone. The perfect relationship can't be ordered up like Latte' at your favorite Starbucks.

The Relationship Tools:

No.1 - Choosing a partner
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM

No. 2- Dating vs. The Booty Call or Multi-Task Daters-
FIND OUT IF THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING IS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE

No. 3- Respect your own values and know what your boundaries are
IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING

No.4- The Spirit and Soul Connection
NOTICE HOW THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH HOLDS YOUR HAND, YOUR ATTENTION AND YOUR SPIRIT

These are some basic rules of thumb for not being the victim in any relationship. The heart has a mind of it's own and you can only control yourself, no one elses emotions. If you are not getting your needs met, get out. People don't usually change. What you see is what you get.

Your partners should be considerate and respectful of who you are as a person. Love and relationship is not about what you can get from another person, but rather, true love and caring for someone is about wanting the best for your partner.

The test of whether or not you are choosing the right partner is simple. Are you at ease? Does this person lift your spirits, do you feel good about yourself when in the presence of your partner? Do you both want the same things out of life? Choose carefully, relationship is a sacred and special sharing of energy between two people, two unique souls.

In love and light...
Dr. Arlene

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Love: Quotations From The Heart

askdrarlene.com
intimacy, relationship, sex, love

Love is the most personal of emotions. It is our reason for being, and one of the most purposeful reasons for living. Most of us feels love at some point in time in their life. Whether it is the love of a parent, child, sibling, peer, or personal partner, each of us feels love and expresses love differently. Everyone that loves is unique and all lovers create their own singular world.

We all have our own personal dreams, those that bring us together, and those that break us apart. All lovers must first and foremost share the courage to be in love.

A loving relationship is the delicate merging of two souls. The old adage of those that don't risk in life may never gain or know success. The same is true in the game of love. There is risk in loving another human being, however there is no more powerful magic in all of the universe than that of being in love.

Without hope or the courage to risk it all for love, that ship may pass in the night without leaving even a ripple on your map of life.

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Loving With Abandon

askdrarlene.com
intimacy, love, sex.

In a random moment the other day, without any particular agenda or pre-determined intent, I asked a friend what he thought of 'Love'. Naturally, there was the ever so slight guffaw and chuckle, before his response of, "oh boy."

Those two little words rolled off his tongue with the same effect as my auto mechanic when he's standing over my car engine. Not sure if I'm going to get a simple answer, or be surprised with a need to bring auto parts in from Siberia! My seemingly simple question on "love" could have been received or responded to from various perspectives, though most consider love an ill-defined topic best avoided.

The action of love and the emotionality that comes along as a package deal, is not as complicated as one might think. NOTE: From my professional stance, I believe that love is an action not a feeling. A growing body of research shows that our "love attachments" actually have a neurological foundation from whence these emotional attachments come. This scientific theory establishes a link between monogomy and oxytocin-the so -called love hormone that helps bind mates, as well as mothers and offspring.

So then, what is it about the act of loving with abandon, without the disclaimers that so often are put up as barriers to feeling too much, or falling too quickly into this thing we call love? What horrible fate pray tell, may be awaiting the poor souls of the man/woman that gives too much or shows their cards too soon in love? Does the science of long-term bonds really play a part in the social dance of love?

In exploring this ever so timely question in today's world of a throw-away society, where lovers are exchanged as easily as shoes that don't quite fit right, lets begin with the building blocks of relationship.

Statistically, the reports show that men talk about relationship with their guy friends just as much as women do, only differently. Whether one wants to admit to it or not, we do still live in a male oriented society in the western world. The old standards of who calls whom, when is it appropriate to call, does the 48 hour call rule still count, what will he/she think if I call too much, what the heck is too much, who indeed makes these rules? Lets not even get into the notion of texting rules in this blog! That is an entire subject on its own!

Now first readers, you have to understand that I think relationship and sex 24/7, after all, I'm a Board Certified Clinical Sexologist with a private practice where all I do is work with persons with relationship, love and intimacy issues. How can one not think about love and relationship most of every waking moment considering my field of expertise. Every time a couple passes by holding hands whether 20 or 80, I wonder about their story.

The "story" is everything in LOVE. It is the perception and belief system of each individual, merged with the respective partner's story. This coming together of two parties ultimately has to have a similar story in common for it to work. But then, who devises the "story" and who decides which parts to keep and which to throw away?

This is the part where it gets complicated, and when most of the couples I see end up in my office. We are all "storied" from the time we are small children. Someone in your earliest and most intimate of relationships, whether, mother, father, sister, brother, elementery school teacher Mrs. Smith, all the way up to the present has created a dominant discourse about you. You know what I mean, that you are either the cute one, the smart one, the one with personality and charm, the procrastinater, the smooth talker, the skinny one, the heavy one, the sad one, the shining star, the one thats going to grow up to be president, the loser, the winner, etc. etc.

The key here is whether or not you "buy into the story" or create your own story of who you are. This process also takes place when two people first meet. They bring their own stories to the table, but must co-create their story together as a couple in order to share a vision of a future together. This allows for mutual respect, love, adoration, compromise, care and fulfillment to grow in the relationship.

The largest jump that most couples must make is this joining of vision and ability to see the other partner as best friend and lover vs. the bad guy that is on the other team. The story is what makes or breaks the deal at this crucial point.

FRIDAYS BLOG: CREATING THE STORY

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THE NO. 1 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GREAT LOVER AND THE NOT SO MUCH GUY!

ask Dr. Arlene
relationship, intimacy, sex, love

Hello readers,


It is a rainy Sunday afternoon and I am sitting down to write on this very important subject of, 'What makes your lover great.'

FYI:
Also mentioned in this blog are safe-sex practices for those in the dating and mating scene. Many often take sexual health risks without understanding the consequences of unsafe sex. If you do not know your intended lover and haven't discussed previous dating practices, health records, blood work and STD, HIV testing measures, please do so before entering any new intimate relationship for your own safety.

As to what constitutes a "Great Lover"...it is a delicate subject indeed, and I do not profess to be the world's expert on differentiating between great lovers and not, however, being an expert in the field of human sexuality, I am often privy to numerous opinions on the subject, both unsolicited and randomly provided in my daily interactions with people (meaning on the street opinions, not those of my patients).

I was talking to a massage therapist the other day on this subject. I respect her ideas and she is a savvy woman of the world. Yes guys, we women do talk about such things. Possibly a bit differently than males do, but we talk.

So then, let's begin. It seems that there is a general consensus among women as to what makes for a not so good, a good and a great lover!

THE NOT SO GOOD LOVER:

In general, this man will brag at first meeting of his sexual prowess in the bedroom. Also, it is often alluded to as to how well endowed he is. It seems that if the man was such a Casanova in the bedroom, he wouldn't be having to put out a pre-show documentary on his circus act abilities. Also, this man may have a Bad Boy persona, which usually doesn't get him too far. Many men think that women like Bad Boys, but believe me, its an urban myth !

Also, the "not so good lover" is generally all about himself, in multi-dimensional ways. It is maintained that this NSG lover is all about his own performance and pleasure. It is usually his way or the highway, and when suggestions are made, he maintains his reasoning for his own selfish proclivities, standing his ground like a spoiled child. Great sex is about sharing, communication, negotiation and most of all playfulness. Too many rules in the bedroom are a capital TO for Turn Off!

SEXUAL HEALTH NOTE:

Danger: Equal-Opportunity STDs

Here's another reality check: sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are incredibly common in the U.S. -- even if your social circle is affluent and educated. The most common STDs are: Chlamydia, genital herpes, genital warts caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), and HIV/AIDS.
To reduce risk, use a condom every time you have sex. Ask your partner if he or she has ever had an STD -- even if the question feels awkward. Limit your number of sexual partners. Don't have sex with someone who has sores on his or her genitals. Don't receive oral sex from somebody with a cold sore. Ask your partner to be tested. Try alternate forms of sexual intimacy.

Please beware of the lover that will insist on not utilizing safe-sex practices. If a new lover demands that he not use a condom because he "can't feel anything", I'm sorry to say that's his problem, not yours. Don't risk contracting STD's or other sexually contracted diseases with this man's power play.

THE GOOD LOVER:

The 'Good Lover' takes responsibility and provides his own safe-sex protection. This man is a grown up all the way and usually knows what he wants. He is not too quick to jump the starting gate on the first date and knows the basic rules of not choking you to death with his tongue at first kiss. The Good Lover knows how to follow your lead both in and out of the bedroom.

THE GREAT LOVER:

Ahhhh... this man is a unique creature. Seriously he really does exist! The makings of a Great Lover depends on how healthy he is both mentally and physically himself. This man wants a partner who challenges and supports him towards being a more awake, present and open lover.
This man is not into playing games and is ready for the work and play it takes to co-create an extaordinary relationship together. This lover is looking for a woman who wants more than a partner "for masturbation by other" who wants to learn to flow and co-create together.
Where do you find this man?

Next Post: Getting What You Want Out of Dating and Relationship


In Love and Light,
Dr. Arlene

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