Sunday, November 25, 2007

Committment Phobia: Fear Based Love

I often hear the term, “Commitment Phobia” …usually in the context of conversations about “things just didn’t work out. These “ things”, usually attributed to the other person, seemingly have led to the demise of their most recent relationships.

Yes, it’s true that many people in relationship are afraid to commit in the beginnings of just getting to know someone. It is often said that one has to "play the game" of dating. You know, when the guy doesn't call for 24-48 hours so they don't look to needy. Or the girl that plays hard to get by not returning phone calls immediately.

However, the "game of dating", doesn’t excuse general bad behavior on the part of either party. This includes lack of follow through, bad manners, playing games, texting! & not calling, lies, deceit, hedging your bets...dating someone new when the old relationship hasn't ended yet,........dating someone "exclusively" ...but still have a profile on one of the internet sites..........etc etc. ....all....generally based on ego and fearfullness.

I’m not so sure that “Commitment Phobia” is the problem at all. I seem to find that the issue of going into a new Relationship from a “Fear Based” stance is the real issue.

The true culprit is Fear vs. Faith, and I am not talking about the context of religiosity and faith, but rather “faith” as a way of living and interacting… based on hope, living in the now, and moving forward in relationship based on honesty and respect for one another.

I am speaking of “Fear” as the triggers and history that persons tend to bring from their past relationships, rather than starting off with a clean slate and jumping in with both feet, based on what the two of you together will bring to this new relationship.

This means leaving your old trigger points and issues with your “ex” in the past. This is hard for many persons to do. Old wounds, jealousy, feelings of rejection and the labels that people place on each other…are hard habits and patterns of interaction, often difficult to break, let alone change.

We are all human beings, with human frailties.

Not one of us out there is perfect. Learning to care for another human being with humility and grace….is the truest yet most difficult feat of relationship

If we don’t take chances…then we’re not really living life……

So go ahead, jump in, speak your truth, be willing to take that chance in love, but not without Loving before leaping…….and you will find your hearts destiny.

Dr. Arlene

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Simple Rules for Getting the Relationship You Want!

Everyone's talking about this "relationship stuff" in Starbucks, on the subway, at the local restaurants and bars on Friday nights. Does anyone have a good relationship, or for that matter...a Great Sex Life? As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Clinical Sexologist, of course I have an opinion!Although many couples present in therapy with frequent complaints of "Desire problems"....I don't want to hear about how much they claim to love each other.

Instead I'm more interested in their actions towards each other.

A few key Rules For Relationship:

1. Two of the most significant ingredients for a successful relationship are Respect and Intimacy.

2. Quality vs. Quantity....it’s not the number of times per week that you're having sex!

3. Creating Intimacy is about how you speak to each other from the time you wake up in the morning till you go to bed at night.

4. Genuine and authentic consideration for your partner, caring about yours and your partner's needs are crucial to building a trusting, loving and intimate love.

5. Its not "All About Me"...but rather...."All About Us"!!!!!!! Remember what attracted you to each other in the first place...and the goals you had for yourselves as a couple.

6. Define what it is that you want and need in your relationship and figure out what's stopping you from getting there.

7. Drop your weapons, especially if you have children, and learn to work together as a team. First and foremost you must identify the problem that is affecting your relationship. If you don't acknowledge the problem, you can't fix it.

It is true that after the initial stages of infatuation that original surge of hormones such as dopamine and serotonin lessen as familiarity settles in. All of a sudden most couples are complaining of the demands of their respective partners, and lack of spontaneity!

One of my professors referred to the journey of Marriage and Relationship as; the "Three P's of Relationship".....Pleasure, Pain, and the Plain Mundane. Yes, its true that oxytocin takes the place of the original "lust" hormones"....and the daily routines of life together may seem to settle down at times... to a dull simmer.

I disagree with my old professor however....and believe that Romance, Love and Lust can be re-created again and again, with the right relationship skills. These may include learning a new way of interacting with your partner, changing up old patterns of interaction, sequences of behavior.Learning these skills is easier than they sound. Many of these issues can be resolved with the help of a qualified Therapist, however, you must be ready and willing to do the work....don't expect your Therapist to Fix the problems in your relationship for you. You can have the Relationship you want .....You deserve no less!!!!

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